


He Saw Darkness in her Beauty

by LunaRavenclaw9



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Funeral, Post-War, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Summer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 19:08:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 30,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15825132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaRavenclaw9/pseuds/LunaRavenclaw9
Summary: After the war Hermione becomes inconsolable. Not even her best friends can get through to her. Her depression and desolation are so deep it's like she is the shell of who she used to be. Harry has an idea on who can help break Hermione out of the horrors of her own mind, but will she even respond? Will she forgive Harry for confiding some of her secrets to their “enemy”? Can he reach her when no one else can? How far has she fallen and is it too late to reach her?This was written for the Strictly Dramione Summer Lovin’ Fest.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I want to thank those who helped support me through the writing of this. You know who you are and exactly how much you mean to me!!

 

The 2nd of May 1998 will be a day none in the wizarding will soon forget. It is a day to celebrate the downfall of one of the darkest wizards known, but it is also a day filled with sorrow. So many died during the war and the final battle was no different. There were so many funerals to attend in the weeks following the end of the war. So many broken families to try and console.  There was only one happy thought that most could hold on to. _Finally the war was over._ Yes the ministry still had some rogue Death Eaters to round up, but most of the high ranking ones were either killed or captured in the Final Battle at Hogwarts.  The few sects that were still in operation were being weeded out by the aurors based on information gleaned from the remaining captured Death Eaters.

 

The last day of May is finally here.  The day of Lupin and Tonks funeral. Following her fingers in the mirror as she buttons up her black dress shirt, Hermione’s eyes continue their upward path until she looks into them.  Falling into the black of her pupils she lets her mind wander while her fingers try to smooth down non-existent wrinkles. Thinking back to the last few weeks she has no idea how she is still standing, how any of them are.  How broken George and all the other Weasley’s were at Fred’s funeral, the sobs of Colin Creevy’s mother as they laid him in the ground, Hermione didn’t know if she could take it again.

 

Pulling herself out of the depths of her tumbling thoughts again, she impatiently bats at the few tears that managed to leak out while she wasn’t paying attention and realized Ginny was standing in the doorway to their shared bedroom at the Burrow with that look. The look that says Hermione was staring at her reflection for a little longer than normal, the look that says Ginny had been calling her name for a long time now, the look full of pity that Hermione is so sick of seeing.  Tugging at the sleeves of her shirt to make sure they covered her arms, she quickly turns to follow Ginny out of the room and down the stairs so they can leave with everyone else.

 

Lifting her eyes from the toes of her modest heels as she makes it past the last step, Hermione sees Ginny lean in and whisper something to Harry. His eyes lift to search hers for a moment before they quickly dart away, not quick enough for Hermione to miss the pity there though.  She doesn’t even have the energy anymore to try and lift the corner of her mouth. The slight attempt at a smile that would look more like a grimace anyway is too much effort for Hermione to give if she wants to make it through today. This one is going to be the hardest to get through, watching little Teddy who doesn’t even know what is going on would break her heart even more if she weren’t already broken.

 

While looking around the Weasley’s kitchen without actually seeing anything in front of her eyes Hermione tries to remember exactly when the numbness started. The numbness and anger is almost all she can remember now, and the pain, but now was not the time for that. She has to get through today and then she would take as much pain as she could deal herself to try and not feel so numb today. Numbness was better than anger, she hurt herself with the numbness but she almost hurt other people with the anger. No, she must keep the anger locked inside.

 

Shaking herself from her own thoughts again Hermione comes back to the present and immediately notices the heat of Ron’s hand almost touching the small of her back ushering her through the kitchen door and towards the road. A deep breath of fresh air does nothing to quell the anxiety and bubble of anger she is feeling at having someone nearly touch her. Taking a half step to the left she hears Ron quietly sigh as his hand slips down to his side. It doesn’t take long to reach the top of the hill just down the road from the Burrow, all the Weasleys huddle next to Arthur who produces a portkey from his pocket.

 

“Almost time now everyone. Hopefully this will be the last time we have to worry about a gathering like this for a long while.” With that said, everyone starts to lay a finger on the inconspicuous teacup sitting in Arthur’s palm.  With a quick nudge from Ron, Hermione sets her fingertip to the handle of the cup just as it starts to glow. A moment later, with the familiar tug behind their navel’s, the whole group zooms off to be transported right outside the gates of the cemetery in Godric’s Hollow. Harry insisted Lupin be laid to rest near his father. They also erected a tombstone for Sirius nearby, so even in death the three friends can be as close as their remaining loved ones could possibly make them.

 

Being fairly used to portkey travel now, it doesn’t take long for the group to recover. Having leaned slightly in to Ron to get her balance back, Hermione straightens up and slowly moves away from the group while smoothing down her black skirt as if it were wrinkled.

 

Giving Ginny’s hand a squeeze, Harry drops it and sidles up to Hermione who is now compulsively tugging at her shirtsleeves with the blank stare she’s had since the end of the final battle.  Harry clears his throat as he approached her, no one reaches out to touch her before announcing their presence anymore after she almost hexed Bill for bumping in to her chair during one of her stupors. Next thing everyone knew Hermione had her vinewood wand to Bill’s throat with a murderous look in here eye.  Once she realized who was at the end of her wand, the apologies started pouring out of her mouth along with sobs.

 

Pulling himself out of the memories, Harry notices Hermione looking at him.  He runs his hand affectionately down her arm but instead of leaning into him like she used to, she pulls her arm away and crosses them both across her chest.

 

“I know it’s been said before, but with this being the last funeral, hopefully we can start looking towards the future now. I’m sure we can start making some happy memories to combat all the bad ones we’ve been dealing with lately. Hermione, I know things look bleak right now but they will get better.” Harry whispers to her, knowing she is paying attention because he sees her hands tighten on her arms as soon as her name comes out of his mouth.  

 

Turning her head to look at him with her dead eyes, Hermione really looks at Harry for the first time in at least a week.  His green eyes are shimmering with tears but there is hope shining behind the sadness, a hope she can’t seem to feel no matter how many people tell her it’s there.  A hope she is starting to resent because how can there be hope when everything looks so bleak. Hermione always had a purpose, whether it was studying, keeping her boys out of trouble, or saving the wizarding world.  Now that most of that is over, she has no idea what her purpose is.

 

With a heavy sigh she walks away from Harry, towards the back row of seating for the small funeral without saying anything. She hasn’t actually spoken a word to anyone for two weeks. Not since they all finished their interviews with the Ministry about their parts in the war. Not since Kingsley Shacklebolt, acting Minister for Magic, told her there was no way to reverse the memory spell on her parents. Not since that night when she sobbed into Harry and Ron’s arms begging to have died in the final battle. That was the first look her best friends had at how deep she was sinking.

 

Harry feels Ginny take his hand again as she walks up to him. “It will be ok Harry, she will come out of this eventually,” she tries to assure him. “It would take me more than a few weeks to get over losing my parents on top of everything else we have had to deal with.”

 

With a shoulder bump and a quick peck on his cheek Ginny starts leading them to where her parents and the rest of the family are seated. Harry can’t help but dig his feet in and turn them around to sit with Hermione this time. She sat all alone at the last two funerals and he won’t let one of his best friends sit alone again. Especially when she looked so lost and defeated.

 

After the funeral all the Weasleys were talking to Andromeda, Ginny making funny faces at a giggling Teddy who was being held by Molly. Hermione, a few feet away from the group, was looking anywhere but close to them.  Glancing towards Hermione Harry tries to call her over. While working to get her attention he notices a familiar flash of white blond hair and quickly excuses himself from the group as he moves to follow.

 

It didn’t take Harry long to catch up with him. “Malfoy, wait,” Harry says while snagging the shoulder of his former enemy. Pulling Draco to a stop he adds, “I didn’t know you were going to be here, you could have sat with us.”

 

Holding back a sneer Draco replies, “Ginny may have tolerated me for a few dinners but I’m sure the rest of the Weasley clan isn’t quite ready to buddy up to a former death eater.”

 

Leaning against the tree they were standing next to, Harry puts his hands in the pockets of his dress pants, “I thought you didn’t give a shit what people thought of the old you? Or did the whole ‘changing the Malfoy name and reputation’ spiel not actually mean a damn thing? Because I have heard you prattle on about that a bit too much if it doesn’t. And how will you change anyone’s opinion if you hide yourself away?” Harry didn’t mean to but his voice had risen a bit during his rant. Some of the last to leave looked their way curiously, a few whispering to each other.

 

Calming himself down, Harry clapped Draco on the shoulder, “you won’t change anything if you don’t give people the chance to form a new opinion. Owl me tomorrow and Ginny and I will meet you for dinner like usual. Just think about what I’ve said.”

 

And with that said, Harry jogged off towards Ginny who was patiently waiting while distracting her mother from wondering where Harry had gone off to. Draco watched Harry move towards his friends, family really since the Weasley’s treated Harry like he was one of their own. Draco couldn’t help but feel a bit of envy at what he didn’t have. Trying to tamper down some of the wistfulness he was feeling, Draco eyed Granger. Even from a distance he could tell she wasn’t herself. Harry had mentioned a few times during their dinners that he was worried about her. This thought sent Draco tumbling down memory lane.

 

When Harry caught Draco at Fred’s funeral he invited the latter out to dinner at a muggle restaurant. They were able to talk and also stay hidden from the media, Rita Skeeter was a vulture after the war and everyone was sick of her attempts to get interviews with them all. Harry half expected Draco to wave away the invitation but surprisingly he accepted. Over the the last few weeks there were a few dinners, some owls back and forth, and some flying on the Malfoy grounds. A tentative friendship grew between the two who had once been on opposite sides of the war. Ginny had even accompanied Harry a few times and although Draco wouldn’t openly admit it yet he enjoyed the time he spent with them.

 

Pulling himself from his thoughts, with one last glance at a despondent Granger, Draco continued his journey home. Back to the confines of the Manor, his father in Azkaban waiting the kiss as punishment for his role in the war, his mother killed herself after the Wizengamot’s ruling, Draco had no one but the house elves to keep him company anymore. No wonder he was looking for friendship anywhere he could find it.


	2. Chapter 2

After changing out of her funeral attire once they returned to the Burrow, Hermione transfigured a book into an armchair near the window of her and Ginny’s shared room. With the breeze coming in the open window, and the room properly guarded and locked, Hermione opens her hidden kit. She held off longer than she thought possible, it was time to feel something today.

 

As was usual after each funeral, George, Percy, Charlie, and Bill sat near the fireplace nursing tumblers of firewhiskey, Molly and Arthur were trying to get anyone to eat some food, Ron shut himself in his room, and Harry and Ginny took a walk in the woods.

 

***

 

Leaning up against one of the birch trees scattered around them Harry pulls Ginny in and wraps his arms around her. Inhaling the scent of her hair he murmurs, “what are we going to do with the both of them?” 

 

“You always have to fix things don’t you?” Ginny says with a small chuckle. Tilting her head back a little to look into his serious green eyes she inquires, “why do you think it is hitting her so hard? Out of the three of you, I would have thought she would have handled it all better.”

 

“I think everyone thought that. She didn’t get the support everyone else did. When she said she was fine we all believed her. No one noticed how bad it was...not until she quit talking.” 

 

Wiping the tears from his cheeks with her thumbs and giving him a soft kiss on the lips GInny whispers, “this isn’t your fault. No one is to blame except the war and the circumstances that made us grow up faster than children ever should. What we have to do is find a way to help her.”

 

“That’s the shit part Gin, I don’t know how to help her. How the fuck am I supposed to help my best friend when I don’t even know how to help myself? At times I feel like I am drowning with no way to break the surface and yet there she is completely submerged and not even acting like she is trying to swim, “ Harry spits in frustration. Ginny knows his anger isn’t directed at her, or at Hermione even, but she also understands it. He isn’t used to feeling this helpless. He is the savior of the Wizarding World and he can’t even save one of the most important people in his life. “You know what I’ve been really wondering? How long has she kept this from us? How long has she been struggling with this and we just ignored the warnings?”

 

Ginny quickly cut off his worries with a passionate kiss. Wrenching her lips from his she stared straight into his eyes as she told him, “don’t you dare blame yourself. There were plenty of adults who could have helped too. You three were too worried about staying alive to even think about anyone’s mental health at the time. You can’t help her if you wallow in your own self-pity.”

 

Ginny snuggles back into Harry as he wraps his arms around her again. Laying her head against his chest she lets some of her worries be lulled by the sound of his heart beating. She knew he would figure out the best way to help their friend. He wouldn’t quit worrying until he did all he could for Hermione.

 

***

 

Watching the fresh blood pool in her hand from three new vertical cuts near her wrist Hermione can’t help but think,  _ why does the numbness come back so quickly now? _ She takes a cleansing breath and lets it out as she presses the razor once more to her flesh, a little deeper this time,  _ maybe I will feel human again if I can just cut a bit deeper this time,  _ her mind says as her hand guides the razor to split open her arm open again.

 

The door rattles as she finishes the last cut.  She tries to summon the energy to clean up but can’t find enough to even roll down her sleeve. Her eyes are drawn to the way the red freely flows against the paleness of her skin. As the squeak of the door alerts her to intruders, Hermione’s dead brown eyes lift to look straight into the shocked green ones of her best friend. 

 

Harry stood completely frozen as he watched the blood run down one of his best friend’s arm. The slow, steady drip was the only sound in the room until Ginny barged her way in. “Don’t know why you stopped just inside the room…” She trails off as she sees exactly what made Harry stop in his tracks. “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF HERMIONE JEAN?” Ginny yelped and rushed forward using the first-aid spells they all became so adept at, especially during the last year of the war. She quickly had Hermione cleaned up and bandaged in a quick efficient manner that would have made Mrs. Weasley proud and while doing so couldn’t help but notice the angry red marks all in various states of healing and obviously from previous sessions such as this one that ran up and down every part of her arm Ginny could see.

 

Harry still standing near the door looked close to tears as he watched the woman he loved and wanted to spend the rest of his life with clean the lifeblood off of the woman he loved like a sister and couldn’t imagine his life without. Hermione hadn’t taken her eyes off him the whole time wishing she could feel something but she couldn’t even bring herself to feel shame at finally being caught. Even relief at not having this secret anymore would be amazing to feel but Hermione could feel nothing but the slight itch from her bandages, a small pulling from the cuts continuing to knit back together, and a small pain when she pushes them against the arm of the chair she is in.

 

At a loss for words, Harry stumbles over to Ginny’s bed and puts his head in his hands. There is complete silence for a few minutes until laugher from downstairs permeates the tension that had been building in the room. The happy sound was completely at odds with the mood of the room. Finally Harry takes a deep breath, looking straight at Hermione who is still openly staring at Harry with no change in her demeanor, “how long Hermione? How long have you carved yourself up and none of us have noticed?” His voice broke at the end, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen the signs. Now that he knew he realized the things he missed though, the compulsive tugging of her sleeves, how she was never seen without something covering her forearms, how she would lock herself into the room sometimes.

 

Looking at her expectantly, he sighs as she continues to stare and makes no move to say anything. Clearing her throat and wiping the tears trailing down her cheeks Ginny moves to take Hermione’s hand on the opposite arm and notices the razor still clutched carefully in her fingers. Muttering a quick  _ evanesco _ , Ginny quickly vanishes the bloody object. With a slight impatient noise, Hermione finally takes her eyes off Harry and looks towards Ginny. With a small flash of annoyance in her eyes at losing the object she kept hidden for so long, Hermione let her gaze slide over Ginny and back out the window she was sitting next to. 

 

Pointing her wand towards the door, Ginny casts a  _ muffliato _ and  _ alohomora _ , “ok Hermione, we can’t do anything to help if you don’t talk to us. This,” she says while gesturing to Hermione’s bandaged arm, “is not a healthy way to deal with anything we are going through. You aren’t the only one in pain, we are all suffering here, the only difference is you are suffering alone. BY CHOICE!” Breathing heavily Ginny stands up to pace the room, nervous energy radiating off of her. 

 

“Do you think I haven’t thought of doing the same thing?” Ginny quietly throws the question towards Hermione.

 

This admission causes Harry to finally come out of his trance. “What do you mean you’ve thought about it? You haven’t actually…”

 

Ginny abruptly and loudly cuts him off, “of course not, those nights I come to you crying, those are the nights the thoughts are the worst. But I know I have you, and Ron, and everyone else to talk to when the thoughts get dark like that.” Turning back to Hermione her voice softens, “you have us all too. You aren’t alone in this even if it feels like it. Please just talk to us Hermione,” she practically begs.

 

The only difference they see is a tear rolling down her cheek, other than that Hermione has not moved since looking out the window. 

 

Turning to Harry, Ginny says, “we’ve got to tell someone. We can’t just leave her to continue doing this to herself,” trying to control her breathing as her tears spill over, “what if next time she really hurts herself?”

 

“You mean more than she already is?” Harry asks not catching the real meaning to Ginny’s words immediately.

 

She knows the moment they finally sink in as the look of horror on his face grows. Marching over to Hermione he kneels in front of her gently taking both her hands in his own, quite the contrast to the angry, betrayed look on his face, and fiercely tells her, “with everything we have survived do you really want to take your own life? Do you know how that would destroy me? You are some of the first family I ever truly knew who showed me what love was, please don’t take that away from me because I don’t know how to help you.”

 

Breaking down after his admission, Harry lays his head in Hermione’s lap and sobs, “please give me time to try and help, please.”

 

Ginny watches Hermione’s hand tentatively brush over Harry’s perpetually messy hair, trying to smooth it back down. Harry can feel Hermione take a few unsteady breaths as her hand glides over his hair like it used to. Closing his eyes he can almost picture them both with Ron back in the Gryffindor common room when things were a bit easier, before they all knew the fate of the world rested completely on their shoulders.

 

Lifting his head from her lap he grabbed her hand before she could take it back and after giving it a small squeeze to try and get her to look at him Harry whispers, “you may not like it but I have an idea. If anything can get you talking again or at least give me an idea what to do to help, he is someone who may be able to.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Look, you said you wanted out of the manor anyway, while Grimmauld Place definitely isn’t as big as Malfoy Manor there will be plenty of rooms. You should have seen her...I didn’t know how broken she was until I saw the blood, mate,” Harry sounded angry until he spoke the last sentence, in the absence of the anger he seemed to deflate. 

 

Draco could see the haunted look in his eye that came back any time Harry talked about what he and Ginny found when they went to try and talk to Hermione.

 

“Just because I can’t stand the manor anymore does not mean I want to slum it with the Weasel’s, you, and the mudb-...er...Granger,” Draco said, trying to quickly correct his slip. 

 

Some habits were harder than others to break. Even though he didn’t really think that way anymore and hadn’t for a while now, the slurs his parents ingrained into him were hard to keep from rolling off his tongue. Rubbing a hand over his face Draco couldn’t help but feel like shit, “that right there is exactly the reason you shouldn’t even think of me trying to help her Potter, I can barely even say her name without wanting to call her what my aunt so thoughtfully carved into the arm you found he sawing away on.”

 

Harry flinching at his callous words makes Draco feel even worse. Continuing in a despondent tone he almost whispers, “I am no help to myself, what makes you think I could help someone else too?” Getting louder with each word he adds, “here I am barely fucking functioning and you want me to try and help her function too? The one who was smarter than any of us combined?”

 

Harry cuts in to his tirade before Draco can keep going, “Malfoy, you are more qualified than any of us to help her. If anyone can get through to her in the state she is in now I know it will be you.”

 

Staring off into space Harry continues, “we all thought she could handle herself. No one checked to make sure she got the help she needed. We don’t know how long she has been dealing with this Malfoy and I can’t help but feel like it is my fault.” Wearily leaning back in his chair he runs his hands through his hair making it stand even more on end, finally admitting what's been eating away at him the longest he adds in a disgusted tone, “I gave her the ok to study dark magic in case we needed it against Voldemort.”

 

Shocked Draco snapped his grey eyes back to Potter’s unwavering green ones. “You let her what?” He basically yelled at the other man.

 

They both look around the small cafe they are in to make sure no one was on their way over at the outburst, Harry gave their waitress a small head shake indicating they didn’t need anything when she looked over with questioning eyes.

 

Turning back to Draco, Harry clears his throat, “it was her idea but I told her to go on with it. She already had so many books she collected from Dumbledore’s personal library, I knew she was going to do it anyways whether I agreed or not. I thought if I knew what she was doing maybe I could keep an eye on her.” 

 

As he fidgets a bit with the napkin in front of him, his eyes get a far away look, “the more we got caught up in the Horcrux hunt the less I paid attention to her. I hadn’t even given it a thought until I noticed how dead her eyes had become after the final battle.”

 

Harry takes a moment to collect himself, the sheen of tears in his eyes make Draco uncomfortable, but with a few blinks and a cough they are gone, “now I can’t help but wonder if giving her the ok is part of the reason she has so much more darkness to deal with than it seems like Ron and I do. Darkness you’ve dealt with for years.”

 

Draco sighs at the hopeful look Harry gives him, “bloody hell mate, you should have known better than to let her do that. You couldn’t have fought him with dark magic anyway, he would have been way more adept at it than you lot.” Heaving a large sigh he adds, “I have been going barmy in the manor with nothing but house elves to keep me company. I don’t know what you think I can do that you haven’t already tried, but this war has hurt enough people and I can’t let Granger be another it claims.”

 

“Thanks, you aren’t as much of a wanker as the world would believe, Malfoy, try not to let yourself forget that,” Harry tells him as he stands.  Shaking hands with his once enemy, Harry can’t help but think about some of the good that has come along even in the short time the war has been over. The hope he has is clouded by worry for Hermione but maybe, with Malfoy’s help, that worry will abate soon.

 

Watching Harry walk out of the cafe, Draco signaled to the waitress for the check. He couldn’t get Harry’s words out of his mind, “I gave her the ok to study dark magic.” 

 

“How the fuck could he let her do that?” Draco mumbled to himself. Dark magic wasn’t something you dabbled in. Hermione should have been smart enough to know that. It was something that takes hold of you and doesn’t easily let go. It stamps out all the light in your life until nothing but darkness survives. That had to be the difference Draco had started to notice, even in their sixth year. He was sure she was studying it far longer than even Potter knew.

 

After throwing some bills on the table, Draco scrubbed his face with his hands and resigned himself to head back to the manor and start packing.  It looked like he was going to be staying at Grimmauld place for the summer. At least he knew what he was doing for a while after summer was over since he decided to go back to Hogwarts and finish his schooling. He had signed on as soon as McGonagall let the students from his year know she was accepting them back if they wanted to come.

 

***

 

“Do you really think this is a good idea?” Ginny asked Harry as she helped him pack his things to take to Grimmauld Place, her things already packed and waiting downstairs. “You know Ron isn’t going to like it one bit.”

 

“I’m no’ gonna like wha’?” Ron mumbles around the chicken leg he is gripping with his teeth as he drags his trunk inside his room to also start packing.

 

With a knowing look at Harry, Ginny quickly exits the room. She had been around her brother’s tantrums long enough to know she didn’t want to be part of this one. It was time she checked in on Hermione anyway and made sure her things were packed as well.

 

Turning back to Ron, Harry clears his throat and bites the bullet, “we’ve got one more bunking with us at Grimmauld Place that I haven’t told you about yet. I asked Malfoy if he would move in with us as well.”

 

Ron didn’t say anything immediately. While watching his face turn about six different shades of red Harry knew the silence wouldn’t last long. When he finally opened his mouth Harry was not disappointed in his reaction either.

 

Ron exploded. Pacing back and forth in the limited space and throwing his arms around in frustration he yells, “what is the bloody fuck are you on about asking that fucking prick to move in with us? With how Hermione is? Did you even think about her when you asked him to move in? What do you think seeing him will do to her? Shit, did you think of me before asking him? I know you’re friends now mate, but Merlin, maybe think about other people first.”

 

Popping his eyes wide, Ron knew he said the wrong thing as soon as he finished yelling. He rightly looked ashamed before Harry even said anything but that didn’t stop Harry’s angry outburst.

 

“Think about others first? What the hell do you think I’ve been doing for the last seven years, taking the piss? You may remember our adventures weren’t the sunshine and roses kind, prick. I fucking died for the better of the world, you tosser! And as for Hermione, she is the whole goddamn reason I asked him to move in with us. Maybe he can help get through to her in ways we never thought to. Ron we aren’t making a difference, she is getting worse, and she needs more help than we can give.”

 

“You think that bloody ferret can help her? What other rubbish has he been feeding you Harry?” Ron asked incredulously.

 

Knowing it was time to tell Ron what he and Ginny witnessed when they walked in on Hermione the other day puts a stone in the pit of his stomach.

 

“Ron there is something you don’t know, something I should have told you about but didn’t know how,” running his hands through his hair and making it stand up more than usual Harry starts to pace, “Ron, she’s...fuck,” the words get stuck in his throat for a minute before he clears it and continues, “...she’s mutilating herself. Ginny and I walked in to their room and she had blood all over her arm.” Turning to him with tears in his eyes, Ron has never seen Harry look so defeated. Through the whole war there was always a small bit of hope behind the other emotions that were swirling in his eyes, but all Ron could see today was defeat.

 

Dropping on his bed, Ron let out a huge breath, “fuck mate, how did we not know?”

 

“She’s always been better at keeping secrets than either of us. You know that.” Sitting down next to Ron Harry heaves a huge sigh, “she needs help and we can’t give her the help she needs. We’ve tried and it hasn’t done any fucking good. I’m not going to just sit around while one of my best friends could possibly kill herself. I saved the goddamn wizarding world, I should be able to save her too.”

 

Flopping down to lay on the bed, Harry stares at the ceiling listening to the slight moaning of the Weasley’s ghoul, “he’s the only one who can Ron, I know it and I think he does too. He is just as upset as you are about living together. Just try to stay civil, for Hermione’s sake.”

 

Turning his head towards Ron at this last sentence and looking at him with pleading eyes Ron groans, “this does NOT mean I have to like the bloody ferret, but for Hermione I would endure anything.”


	4. Chapter 4

Two weeks after Tonks and Lupin’s funeral Harry, Ginny, Hermione, Ron and a still reluctant Draco all moved in to Grimmauld Place much to Molly Weasley’s dismay. She didn’t understand why they wanted to strike out on their own and even though she tried in every way to stop them, when the day finally came for her kids to move out, she hugged each of them with tears in her eyes holding on to Hermione for a few seconds longer than the others.

 

It took a week for the occupants to find a halfway normal routine around each other, Ron and Draco avoiding the other more often than not since they had already broken out in a yelling match that basically lasted the first three days they were under the same roof.

 

Hermione comes out of her room only when the others insist. She only eats because they put the food in front of her. She still hasn’t spoken a word.

 

The first time she looked at Draco with those dead eyes after they all moved in together, he couldn’t help the shiver that ran down his spine no matter how hard he tried to hide it. Her eyes used to be so full of life, so warm and inviting. He couldn’t remember when he started watching her so much, very possibly could have been after the Yule Ball, but the difference from the girl he used to watch in class to the girl he was living with now were astronomical. There was no doubt to him she had gotten in too deep with her studies of the dark arts, but he still wasn’t sure exactly what it was she had been studying. He had a feeling she may have also practiced some of it and that would be worse for them all if that was true.

 

He had an idea and there were books at the manor he could consult but he didn’t know where to start looking just yet. Hopefully observing and trying to interact with her will give him some clues.

 

***

 

Sitting by the fire in the library of Grimmauld Place, Hermione stares into the flames. Watching as they consume the logs Harry placed in there a little while ago, she can’t help but wonder what it would feel like to be consumed in a similar way to the logs. Would the pain quickly go away like the cuts she makes down her arms? Getting caught by Ginny and Harry put a damper on that outlet though since Ginny vanished her razor. It would be fairly easy enough to get a new one but Hermione didn’t feel like putting in the effort. There were new ideas floating through her head.

 

Being around people hurt, it left an ache deep in her chest.  _ What would they think of me if they knew, _ a thought that has continuously journeyed through Hermione’s head for a very long time circles back around.  _ If they knew the sacrifice I made they couldn’t stand to be around me. _

 

Shaking the thought away again she tries to pull the numbness back in. Sometimes the numbness is enough. It’s better than those thoughts and the anger. The all consuming anger that has started to become uncontrollable.  _ How do I expect to be worthy of continuing to being around them when I can barely control anything. _

 

That now familiar little bubble of anger pops in Hermione’s chest even as she tries to smother it with the numb.  _ I sacrificed so much and I can’t even tell anyone about it for fear of them hating me. _ The bubble shifts into a flame that grows brighter with each passing thought running through Hermione’s head.  _ I lost as much as they all did, I put every bit of myself on the line and no one will understand,  _ with each passing thought the bubble grows brighter.

  
  


Watching from the doorway where she can’t see him, Draco sees Hermione’s brow furrow. He notices the flames in the fireplace jumping higher than they were a few minutes ago. The more pinched Hermione’s expression the higher the flames dance.

 

Knowing it was a stupid idea does not stop Draco from clearing his throat and walking into the room like he hadn’t just been spying.  At the noise Hermione’s head whips around and the searing look she gives with those hate filled eyes almost stop him in his tracks. The only thing that keeps him moving forward is the years he spent practicing to keep his reactions in check, something his father drilled into him from a young age and the time he spent living with the Dark Lord only made the ability that much more fluid.

 

He almost thought he heard her growl at him as he schooled his features with the typical bored expression that was his safe mask. “You do know there are four other people in this house who would prefer you didn’t burn it down right?”

 

Barely preventing his jaw from dropping at the asinine thing that just came out of his mouth,  _ when the fuck did you become such a dunce,  _ he didn’t miss the fact that she definitely growled at him this time, nor did he miss the red rimming her almost black eyes as her anger rolled towards him in waves.

 

Before Draco could make any move or say anything, Hermione whirled around and swiftly shoved out of the room, the back door slammed shut a few moments later.

 

“Right bloody brilliant you were there,” he sarcastically berated himself. Moving over to the liquor cabinet set in the wall opposite the fireplace Draco pours himself a generous tumbler of firewhiskey.

 

Downing half the portion in one drink he nervously runs his other hand through his hair. Basically their first interaction(that wasn’t the others forcing her to eat a meal with everyone) since they moved in together and he can’t stop himself from being a prick. “Potter was wrong, there is no way I am going to do any good for Granger,” he mumbled to himself before finishing his drink and going to find Harry to tell him exactly that.

 

***

 

“I never thought I would see the day a Malfoy gave up this easily,” Harry sneered across the table.

 

“It’s not giving up, it’s saying I am wrong for the job before I do real damage,” Draco basically yelled. “How do you know that in her frame of mind I’m not going to say something stupid in the heat of the moment and cause her to do something worse?”

 

“Is Hermione storming through the kitchen a minute ago the reason we are having this conversation right now Malfoy?” Harry inquired and then continued without giving him time to even reply,”because I have to say, that is more than I have seen from her since she was fighting for her life in the final battle, and I will admit right now that she scared the hell out of me that night.”

 

With the haunted look Harry always got in his eye when he thought about the night he defeated Voldemort Harry explained what he meant to Draco. As he watched her attack any Death Eater within range Harry watched Hermione’s eyes light up with glee everytime a spell would hit her intended target. Her eye’s flicking over to him in an almost obsessive way, never letting herself stray too far from where he was at in the battle. 

 

Pulling himself back from the memories he was reliving, Harry looked at Draco, “the Hermione I know is still in there, but who she has become isn’t the same person and I don’t even know when that happened. I didn’t start piecing things together until Ginny and I walked in on…”

 

Setting a cup of tea in front of both boys and settling herself down next to Harry with her own, Ginny jumps in, “Harry worries we aren’t enough. If these were things we missed for so long how are we supposed to be able to help. Since you are someone who may have dabbled in the same things she has, you might be able to help her where we cannot. You can connect on that level and share your experience from that side of the darkness.”

 

Giving a stern look while taking a sip of her tea when it looks like Draco was going to jump in Ginny continues after a moment, “we know she got in over her head Draco. Somehow our Hermione started studying the dark arts.” At this Draco glances over at Harry who subtly shakes his head, _ so Ginny doesn’t know Potter knows about the studies,  _ thinks Draco as he switches his attention back to Ginny again,  _ “ _ I know you have seen the signs too. Ron may be oblivious to our need of your help, but Harry and I aren’t, don’t you be either.”

 

And with that she finishes her tea, pats Harry on the hand, and moves to go out the back door to Hermione but the sounds of explosions and screams make everyone at the table scramble through the door.


	5. Chapter 5

December 1995, 6th year

_ After pausing to listen to the castle around her one more time and hearing nothing, Hermione continues towards the Restricted Section of the library while pulling Harry’s invisibility cloak a bit tighter around her, the fear of being caught making her hear noises around every corner. _

 

_ Stopping just inside the barricade she heaves a large but quiet sigh trying to steady the nervous flutter in her stomach. “ _ Am I really doing this?” _ She thinks to herself. Remembering how weird Harry has been acting this year, the fear she felt at the end of last school year while they were all battling for their lives in the Department of Mysteries, the terror and sadness of realizing Sirius was lost forever, the things she heard Dumbledore talking to Snape about, with that last thought Hermione steeled her resolve and stepped inside the Restricted Section knowing exactly what books she wanted to pull, hoping some of the answers she searched for were buried somewhere in them. _

 

_ Back in her four poster bed and after casting a locking and silencing charm on her curtains she started flipping through one of the three books she found. Quickly realizing the first and second book she pilfered had no more information than she was already able to glean from of other resources she tossed them aside and opened the third, and final book expecting more of the same. _

 

_ After perusing the first five pages twice to make sure her eyes weren’t playing tricks on her, she realized this may hold all the answers she needs. With a start she noticed this book was actually the diary of a very old dark wizard, a nervous twinge alighting in Hermione’s chest. Slowly browsing the contents of the diary she finds the answers she’s been searching for since the beginning of the year, but they are so much darker than she was hoping for.  _

 

_ Falling back onto her pillows from her sitting position she heaves a heavy sigh, there has to be another way, yet she has spent the better part of six months researching everything she can get her hands on(which is actually quite a lot considering most of the professors were willing to give her access to their personal libraries as well under the guise of helping her with one project or another). How can  _ protecting _ someone come at such a dark cost? If her intentions are wholly good, how can the ritual be so dark? Isn’t there a way to do it without such personal sacrifice? Is it worth the price? _

 

_ Sitting up with a fierceness she hasn’t felt in a long time she continues those thoughts with a final one before making notes on the information she found,  _ of course protecting Harry is worth the price, even if it means my death.

 

***

 

“We had to give her a dreamless sleep potion. After I screamed at her she quit firing spells but her magic was still sparking up and down her arms,” Hermione heard Ginny explain as she started to come back to consciousness. She had no idea who Ginny was speaking to and couldn’t really care less, the words causing her to think about the last thing she could remember.

 

Her vision was tinged red as she stormed out of the library.  _ Mustn't kill Malfoy, mustn’t kill Malfoy,  _ is what she chanted until she hit the back door.  All the anger and frustration she felt came bursting out with the first noise she made in months. Screaming at the top of her lungs she sent spells at anything near her. Shattering the walls that surrounded the small garden behind Grimmauld place quickly and efficiently wasn’t near enough damage to calm her racing thoughts. Spinning to find the shed that held all the garden supplies she reduces it to cinders with a short but fiercely muttered spell. Screaming at the continuing anger and slice of joy that shot through her with the destruction she starts destroying the small pots of plants Ginny had set out around the patio the first week they moved in. Gleeful laughter mixed in with the near psychotic screams. Hearing a shout behind her the red vision dims slightly and Hermione can see the damage she has wrought to what used to be the backyard. With a sob she turns around to see Ginny at the top of the few steps it takes to get down into the garden from the back door and Harry and Draco quickly following behind her through the back door. As Ginny slowly tries to approach her a startled cry comes out of Hermione and she quickly starts backing away from the three advancing on her. Ginny puts a hand behind her trying to silently tell the boys to stop. 

 

Hermione comes back to herself, the rest of the memory is hazy and confusing. The dreamless sleep potion is the answer to some of the haze but the lack of memory frightens and shames Hermione. She isn’t safe to be around. She could end up hurting someone. She is no use anyway, more a bother now than anything else.

 

Turning her head and opening her eyes at the sound of a door opening, Hermione sees the flicker of surprise in Draco’s eyes, before he can say anything Ginny quietly but excitedly exclaims, “thank goodness you are awake! Merlin, Hermione, you scared the shit out of us!”

 

With a sweep of her eyes to take in her surroundings, Hermione realizes she is in her bedroom and that Ginny was filling Ron in on what happened in the garden, Hermione felt the shame of her earlier actions start to creep in. 

 

Sweeping the room with her dead eyes, Hermione utters her first words in more than a month, “leave.” Without even waiting for anyone to move, ignoring the gasps of shock, she rolls over and tries to shut out the voices both in the room and inside her head.


	6. Chapter 6

Every day since that incident Draco has sauntered into the room, sat in the armchair, tried to start a conversation and then picked up a book to read aloud when she didn’t say anything to him.  Every day as June slowly turns into July and the air around them warms up considerably, Malfoy tries to find a way to bridge the gap Hermione has created between herself and the rest of the world. And every day he can’t help but feel like he fails even more spectacularly than the last until she makes a slight noise.

 

Sitting in her room Draco has made a dent in the large book collection Grimmauld Place has to offer.  Today he had picked something slightly different from what he had been reading. It was a collection of poems and sometimes as he reads them he thinks he sees a reaction from Hermione. When he reads the final lines of “Invictus” by William Ernest Henley, his quiet sigh almost drowns out the snort Hermione gives.

 

Glancing up with a questioning gaze Draco asks, “something funny? I would think that out of everyone, you would be one who understands being the master of one’s own fate, being best friends with the Boy Who Lived and all.”

 

Not really expecting an answer he goes back to perusing the page, losing himself to the thoughts the poem incites in him. He doesn’t see Hermione opening and closing her mouth like there is something she is trying to say, he doesn’t see the flash of anger that shoot through her honey brown eyes, and he most definitely misses the snap of magic that shoots between Hermione’s hands because of her anger.

 

When Hermione lays down and curls on to her side, Draco decides he has tortured them both enough for the day and heads down to the kitchen to see if lunch would be ready soon.

 

When Hermione hears Malfoy leave the room she rolls back over to stare at the ceiling, the words of the poem circling through her mind. “I am the master of my fate.” Hadn’t Hermione realized that was nothing but a bunch of bullshit. No one was the master of their own fate, look at Voldemort, so sure of his victory that he couldn’t even notice some teenagers would defeat him.  Look at Harry who had absolutely no control over his own life all because a dark wizard marked him as his equal. Look at poor Neville who could have been in the same position had Voldemort gone after him instead.

 

Knuckling aside the tears that were leaking out of the corner of her eyes, Hermione thinks about herself and the sacrifices she made, the things she never would have done had others had more power over their own fate. As the tears dry the anger comes back, since she is the only one in the room she gives in, feeling the familiar icy heat of the anger flow through her. Getting out of bed she goes over to the chair Malfoy sits in when he forces his company on her and proceeds to take great pleasure in smashing the offending piece of furniture until it is nothing but tinder.

 

***

 

Realizing the poetry garnered more response than anything else he had read to her, Draco spends the next few days scouring the place for more.  Deciding against the angst of Poe, he finds a collection of works from Shakespeare. Chuckling to himself because he has heard Harry making fun of the play that Hermione was named from, he takes the works upstairs with him to see if he can get anymore anything out of Hermione.

 

It had been a month since Hermione destroyed the garden.  Ginny was able to put the little backyard back to rights not long after the incident, but Hermione hadn’t left her room since that day. Being forced to eat by Ginny, forced to listen to Malfoy read whatever he decides to bring that day, and forced to sit with Harry and Ron when they feel like it’s been too long since they visited her, has Hermione on edge. She wishes they would just leave her alone. She wants nothing more than to be left alone. Night is the only time she has to herself. 

 

Tonight starts out no differently.  The house quiets around her. She heard Harry and Ginny making their way to their shared bedroom not long ago and their sounds were typically the last heard in the house for the evening.

 

Once the rest of the sounds settle down and Hermione is as positive as she can be that no one else is up still, she quietly makes her way out of her room.  Quietly stealing down the stairs, Hermione uses the bright light of the moon as her only way to see in the darkness.

 

She quickly makes a cup of tea and takes it into the library to sit by the window and watch the muggle road outside. Even so late at night, there is usually something to watch out on the street. She makes it about halfway in the room before she notices she isn’t the only one.  With the dexterity learned from years at war, Hermione pulls out her wand and spins around while wordlessly lighting a  _ lumos _ and aiming it right at Malfoy’s heart with steady hands and not a drop of tea spilled from her almost overflowing cup.

 

Slowly raising his hands, Hermione notices the tumbler he still holds in his left and his empty right.  Huffing out a breath she didn’t even realize she was holding until that moment she lowers her wand and continues moving to the window.

 

“I take it you thought everyone else was in bed when you decided on your adventure tonight,” his voice grates her nerves even though there isn’t a hint of malice or anything except maybe curiosity in it.

 

After a few more moments of silence he continues, “I like sitting down here after everyone is in bed. It gives me time to think. Although, thinking isn’t always the best for me.” With this admission his tone turns contemplative. “You know we are our own worst enemies right? That almost nothing anyone can say to us is worse than the things we tell ourselves? Fuck why am I saying this shit, you don’t want to hear it, especially not from someone like me.  Looks like being lightly sloshed keeps the lock on my lips undone.”

 

Hermione still barely even acknowledges he has spoken even if his words have set off a whirlwind of thoughts in her mind.  _ Our own worst enemy, who does he think he is trying to tell me that when the things he said to me growing up were almost worse than the things I told myself every night before I went to bed. _

 

“You’ve changed,” he stated boldly. “You haven’t been the headstrong girl I grew up watching with a light in her eyes and a challenge on her tongue for a long time. Even before last year, I wonder if anyone else noticed or if I was the only one watching close enough at the time.” Even though it sounds like he is talking to her, his tone turned quietly contemplative and she has to strain to hear the last bit of his sentence.

 

“I learned so much about you just from watching and yet I never actually knew the real you. But then again, you only knew the spoiled brat side of me when I was younger. It’s so weird to think that because of the sides of the battle we chose, all we could do was hate each other and never truly know who the other was.

 

“You know Harry and I realized we had a few things in common when we finally started talking. Both led by an older generation who thought they knew what was best for us, both never given the whole story but still expected to go along with it, both doing everything we could to protect those we love. There are so many similarities, it makes me wonder which similarities we have,” Hermione shifts uncomfortably, feeling Malfoy’s gaze on her as he finishes his contemplations out loud.

 

Glancing over at him she can barely make out his features in the near darkness but her still lit wand gives enough light to make his eyes look even more piercing than usual. Hermione can’t seem to look away from their intensity.

 

“I am going to tell you something that not many people but Harry know about me. My life has been shit show after shit show, but I really fucked things up in sixth year.  I’m sure you remember, that was the year my father was in Azkaban because of the break in at the ministry. That was also the year, which I am sure you have heard as well, that I was tasked to kill Dumbledore. The real kicker though was that I wasn’t supposed to survive my attempts.  I was supposed to be a punishment for my father’s failures,” taking a deep breath and downing the rest of the firewhiskey in his tumbler, he continues, “I thought about killing myself a lot that year. I knew what the end game was supposed to be even if they thought I didn’t so I figured why not make it easier on them, until I thought of my mother all alone. Thoughts of her were the only thing keeping me going that year.”

 

Hermione feels her heart speed up with his admission.  _ How could some as proud as the man in front of her think of suicide, wasn’t that the cowards way out? Weren’t Malfoy’s supposed to be above that? _

 

The sound of him clearing his throat pulled Hermione out of her thoughts, listening to him control his breathing again she realized he may have been crying. She would have thought the knowledge of Malfoy crying would give her deep satisfaction, if anything it made her anger flare up again.  _ How could he still rile her up like that even after all these years, _ Hermione wondered to herself. Thinking how satisfying it would be to punch him in the nose again like she did in third year.

 

Instead of putting any action towards her tumbling thoughts, Hermione tucks her hands under her legs and tries to quell the spread of anger but then he starts talking again.

 

“Hermione, I need you to know that there are people who understand what you are going through,” hearing her scoff at his words gives him the courage to continue no matter how foolish it seems when he is feeling her anger start to fill the room again, “you aren’t the only one who delved too deep into the dark arts and doesn’t know how to claw their way back to the light and it isn’t something you can do alone.”

 

“WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TELLING ME THESE THINGS,” she yells as the anger explodes out of her as she stands up from the chair.

 

Shocked at the outburst Draco surprisingly and uncharacteristically stays quiet, “I am sick of everyone telling me what I should do, asking me if I know something that is common knowledge. DON’T YOU THINK I’VE TRIED EVERYTHING? I am sick of nothing working, no one understands the shit I am going through. The darkness you are talking about? That is a spell I fucking created that not only saved Harry’s life but ruined mine at the same time! And I will NOT be upset about it because it means Harry is still alive, but I can be upset that I still am.”

 

It seems Hermione noticed she said much more to someone who is still an enemy in her mind than she has to anyone in a very long time. Throwing her teacup against the wall near Draco’s head, she turns on her heel and stalks off back upstairs to probably hole herself up in her room for a month again.

 

Rubbing his hands over his face and pulling on his hair in exasperation, Draco tries to go back over their conversation realizing Hermione gave him a lot more information than he previously had.


	7. Chapter 7

To give himself and Hermione a little while to calm down after her outburst, Draco turned himself over to researching the things their conversation made him think of. He hated going back to Malfoy Manor for anything, but it’s extensive library of dark books and journals would definitely come in useful so he sucked up the anxiety curling in his gut and headed out.

 

It doesn’t surprise Draco that Hermione created a spell, he is almost positive there have been quite a few she came up with or tweaked through the years. What did surprise him was the fact that she created a dark spell, but if protecting Harry was her endgame Draco knew she would have gone down any avenue possible to get the desired effect.

 

When spell book after spell book gives him no answers he yells his frustration into the empty room shoving the books he was looking through off the desk. Everything he had found so far was nowhere near what she would have used, if she created and initiated the spell when he thought she did, their resources and time would have been limited. Nothing that needed brewing or expensive, rare ingredients. Something she was able to do without letting Harry know what she was up to or arousing his suspicions about her actions. It probably took a lot of magic too so she would have been worn out afterwards.

 

With that train of thought he thinks about how drawn and tired Harry and Hermione both were when the snatchers brought them to the manor.  _ Could her spell have been the catalyst to them being caught? She was quick enough she should have been able to put their protections back up after uttering the Dark Lord’s name and before the snatchers got there. _

 

This train of thought makes Draco think of something his father told him about before he left for Azkaban. An old journal from some distant ancestor of the Malfoy’s who was addicted to finding ways to protect his family and lands. He was mostly a loon who thought everyone was out to get him, but there was a ritual that may be similar to what he was looking for.

 

After a few hours of searching for and then reading through the journal Draco sits back exhausted. If this really is the protection ritual Hermione used to create her’s off of it really was a surprise that she was still alive, and it was no surprise why she was dealing with everything the way she was now. 

 

***

 

“Oh good you’re back, dinner will be ready soon,” Ginny tells Draco breezily as he walks back into Grimmauld Place, her airy tone in complete contrast to the dark twisted thoughts running through his brain at the moment.

 

Giving her a noncommittal grunt he continues to the stairs and takes them two at a time until he reaches the floor where his and Hermione’s bedrooms are located. Looking at her door for a long moment he contemplates storming in there and throwing his newfound knowledge in her face. As he goes to take a step towards her door he has a vision of her blowing up the back garden. Telling himself to give them the rest of the day to cool down from their previous argument and from his recent revelations, he turns towards his bedroom and slips in.

 

Hermione has her ear pressed against her bedroom door. She was getting ready to go to the attic just to get out of her bedroom again. After her argument with Malfoy last night that is where she went, somewhere she knew no one would really look for her since she hadn’t ventured up that way since they moved in.  Hearing footsteps on the landing halted her right in front of her door, she heard the pause in the steps as they walked close to her door and then they continued and were cut off by the quiet sound of his bedroom door closing. After waiting a few more moments to make sure no one else was out there she quietly slips away and upstairs, bare feet making no noise on the hardwood floors.

 

Trying to quiet the voice in her head has been getting harder each day. It grows a little louder, a little more insistent every time she gets angry. Telling her she was nothing before, telling her no one understands, telling her that anger is the only true feeling anyway. 

 

When she first started hearing the voice it was just a murmur, something easily ignored through the numbness she pulled around her like a shield. Now the voice was an almost constant roar in her head and the numbness doesn’t shut it out completely, though if she thought about it the voice was always there even when she thought it had been quieted.

 

Since last night the voice wouldn’t shut up. It had been easier to ignore when she quit talking to people. Their unsaid words wouldn’t echo back to her with the malice that voice talks in. “Why did I let him goad me like that?”

 

**You know what you have to do to end this misery,** the voice beckons to her again,  **we’ve talked about this already** .

 

“GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” She screams, tearing at her hair she continues to scream until her throat is raw, until her face is soaked with the tears she doesn’t even know she is crying, until someone wraps their arms around her murmuring into her ear that “everything will be ok, just breathe, we are all here with you” and with her last bit of energy Hermione turns into Ginny’s body and just sobs.

 

***

 

After letting her tears run dry, Hermione lets Ginny lead her back to her room and tuck her back into bed. She notices the tray of dinner on the bedside table and takes the cup of tea from it wrapping her hands around the warm china.

 

“Hermione,” Ginny starts and seems to realize she doesn’t know where to go from there, looking around the room quickly she settles her gaze back on the broken woman in front of her as tears start to fill her eyes, “I don’t know what you need from us. Ron can barely stay in the house more than to sleep because he is afraid of making you worse. I see the worry in Harry’s eye every day, and Draco has been wracking his brain to connect with you in some way. You were the rock that always knew what to do, can you not see us floundering without you? We need Hermione back and you aren’t her anymore.”

 

With a deep breath Ginny adds, “now make sure to at least eat your dinner, and tomorrow I hope you will come down for one of the meals, but I won’t impose my company on you anymore than you want me to.”

 

And with that Ginny leaves the room making Hermione feel like she took all the air out with her.


	8. Chapter 8

Draco wasted no time in coming clean about his research as he walks into Hermione’s room the next morning.  

 

“How did you turn the ritual into what you needed? That is the only thing I don’t understand. Knowing the story, hearing Potter’s testimony, I know how it worked which let me know which ritual you tweaked, but how in the hell did you make it do that? And how the hell are you and Harry both still alive if so?”

 

Hermione looks at him with a shocked expression, and before she can even open her mouth to say what Draco knows she is going to say he interrupts her, “don’t you dare fucking lie to me, I found the journal, did you know it was one of my ancestors you took the ritual from? How did you even find his journal? I know what you did and I want answers damnit, do you have any idea--”

 

“Of course I have an idea of what I did Malfoy, do you think there was anything I wouldn’t have sacrificed to ensure we won the fight? I was ready to give my life. I have no idea why I am still alive and I can’t exactly say I am thankful for it. Kudos to you for figuring out what I did, now that you have I am sure you have also realized there is nothing to do to make me “me” again. If you could kindly close the door when you leave and let everyone else know your findings so they can leave me alone I would appreciate that.”

 

And with that said, Hermione turns her back on Draco and walks into the adjoining bathroom, not quite slamming the door but close enough.

 

***

 

“What do you mean by, you think you’ve figured it out?” Harry demands when Draco comes down to the kitchen after speaking to Hermione that morning.

 

Looking between Ginny and Harry, Draco tries to decide how much to tell them until he has all the answers. Knowing he has to give them something he starts with the basics, “we all know she was researching dark magic, what you both probably don’t know and I was only guessing at until just last night is that she found a ritual that was almost what she wanted, but she had to change it around a bit. Those changes sparked things I don’t think she was prepared for and that is the cause for her struggle for so long.”   
  


Ginny asks what Harry is afraid to, “what did she need the ritual for?”   
  


Giving Harry an intense stare, Draco answers with as much sympathy as he could, “she did everything to protect you mate.”

 

Pushing away from the table so fast he knocked over his chair, Harry picks up his teacup and throws it as hard as he can across the room. Ginny watches the cup shatter and the liquid spray against the wall. Before she can even react he is out the back door yelling in the garden.

 

“Fuck, I knew he was going to react like that, I can be so tactless sometimes,” looking up at Ginny like she held all the answers he asks, “how can you both think I am the right person for this job when I fuck it up at every angle?”

 

Shaking her head before he can even finish his question, Ginny answers with questions of her own, “do you not see the strides you have taken already to figure this out? Do you not notice you are so much farther in answers than any of us have been since this all started? Quit saying you aren’t the right person for this when I see your passion to help even when you try to hide it. Quit trying to be the heartless person everyone thought you were for so long Draco. You need to work on yourself almost as much as Hermione does, only your issues have been there so much longer because of how you were raised.”

 

“Then why the hell do I feel like I keep hitting the same brick wall?” He demands getting more frustrated with the situation as the conversation continues.

 

Laughing a bit Ginny shakes her head while saying, “the brick wall that is Hermione Granger’s stubbornness, we’ve all felt it at one time or another, although usually it was during exams when she was trying to get everyone to follow her study schedule.”

 

Sighing Ginny gets lost in reminiscing about the past for a little while, Harry who seems to have calmed himself down during their talk makes his way back into the kitchen and quickly cleans up the tea mess he created and sets about to make another pot to likely calm his nerves more.

 

Draco watches him putter around the kitchen until Harry turns to face him, “look I know this isn’t easy but you should have realized that is what she was doing Harry, she is a protector and will do everything she can for those she loves. While I do not condone what she did, I do understand it,” breaking eye contact with Harry his gaze wanders down to the arm that was branded in their sixth year, “seeing as I did something with similar intentions and it seems like both our decisions had lasting complications that neither of us thought of at the time, or more than likely ignored due to our single mindedness of finding a solution to our problem.”

 

“Fuck that, my life was not worth hers, I’m going to talk to her about that.” Harry barely finished his sentence before he is banging his way out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

 

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you Potter, don’t go looking for a fight you aren’t ready to face,” Draco warns, following but knowing he can’t stop Harry in this mission.

  
  
  


“WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DECIDING IF MY LIFE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS???” Harry hollered as soon as he burst into Hermione’s bedroom.

 

Looking at Draco she calmly says, “I thought you were going to tell them so they would leave me alone.”

 

“Yeah well your plan didn’t go quite so well sweetheart, Harry here isn’t happy about what you put yourself through for him and would like a few words with you and I just can’t satisfy that itch for him.”  _ That’s it Draco, just hide behind your sarcasm like you always do, _ he mentally chides himself.

 

Giving Draco a death stare she turns back to Harry, “I didn’t do it for you, we had the whole wizarding world to save Harry, I did it for them too.”

 

“I’m not stupid ‘Mione, that was not the first thing on your mind, and to be completely honest it was probably the last damn thing you thought of before you did it. Ah shit, it was wasn’t it? Did I not get a say in whether the only person I look to as a sister sacrificed her life for me? Fuck I already asked you how you thought I would survive without you. HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE HERMIONE? YOU’VE KEPT ME SANE MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE EXCEPT MAYBE GINNY AND YOU KNOW THIS!!!”

 

“But at least you would still have had Ginny,” Hermione replies to his outburst in a slightly smaller voice than she had been using, almost as if she was trying to convince herself again of her reasoning.

 

Laughing in disgust, “did you do something to make sure Ginny would survive too? Is that how you knew she would make it out of the battle?”

 

With that question Hermione looks at him with wide eyes, frightened, she tries to come up with an answer but only ends up opening and closing her mouth a few times with no sound making it out.

 

“Sounds like you didn’t think of everything I guess,” with a sad shake of his head Harry walks out of the room.

  
  


Turning angry eyes on Draco, Hermione seethes, “so your plan to help me is to shove every wrong I did in my face? Such a brilliant plan from the amazing Draco Malfoy, maybe there are some sick children who you can tell Santa isn’t real too, or a hurt dog out on the street you can kick, how about you just leave me the hell alone?”

 

“Hey it’s not my fault you are in this mess and I didn’t ask to help you, I was forced to--” 

 

Before he has the chance to finish his thought Hermione yells, “well then I am forcing you the fuck out, I didn’t ask for your help and I obviously don’t want it so just leave me the hell alone!”

 

Chest heaving from her anger, sparks starting to travel up and down her arms letting him know the control she had on her magic was wearing thin again, yet Draco can’t help but try to connect one last time, “Hermione I didn’t mean that I don’t want to help you. If you could pull your head out of your ass for just one minute maybe you will notice everyone around you trying to bend over backwards to help you while you just wallow and let the darkness take over you. If you don’t start trying to fight back, it will win and you will not be you anymore.”

 

Draco should leave it at that, he really should. He has said all he can, he has fucked up enough already and should just leave the room before he can say anything stupid again, but of course his legs don’t listen and then his mouth opens again and he can’t believe what he is hearing come out of his mouth, “if you really care that little about your life maybe you should just give up and quit dragging down those who are trying to build you back up.”

 

Not even bothering to look at the mess he knows his words created he walks out of her bedroom door to the sounds of Hermione yelling.

 

***

 

At Draco’s parting words Hermione’s world turns red. There is a pressure in her chest that keeps building and building until all she can do is scream. The voice won’t let Draco’s words go,  **maybe you should just give up, isn’t that the same thing I’ve been telling you all along? And now the only one still trying to help you is saying the same thing. I think it's about time you start listening to one of us,** the voice won’t quit whispering.


	9. Chapter 9

After screaming her throat raw, Hermione sees the damage she wrought to her room in the aftermath of her fit.  All the furniture is pushed against the walls like a tidal wave of force knocked everything away from Hermione and her anger. Walking around the room in a daze a slight pinch of pain and crunch at her feet brings Hermione’s attention to the broken glass of her mirror that must have shattered when the chair knocked against it.

 

Seeing her broken reflection in the pieces of mirror mesmerizes Hermione. Every time she moves it sets off hundreds of movements from all the Hermione’s on the floor. An especially large piece of mirror with a small spot of blood on it catches her eye. Following the trail of blood to her own feet brings the pain into reality, the pinch she felt earlier was the mirror biting into her skin. Letting her gaze move from the blood under her feet to the slice of mirror again she realizes how long its been since she had a sharp instrument. The crimson of the blood is such a tantalizing color.

 

**Yes, the pain,** the voice starts rumbling in her ear again,  **you know that’s what you want, it is what helps, its what enhances the numbness, what brings you closer to the ultimate end we all know is what you deserve. Didn’t you miss it? Listen to the boy, you can bring the numb back forever if you just give up.**

 

Before she even fully thinks about what she is doing, the slice of mirror is in Hermione’s hand and she is making her way up to the attic.

 

***

 

“How many times must I rebuild this garden? First Hermione and now you? Is this going to become the normal thing to do when we are angry? Time to spill Draco. If something wasn’t bothering you then you wouldn’t be back here,” Ginny says as she makes her way out the back door with a tray of tea in her hands.

 

Sheepishly Draco takes a quick look around the garden before he remembers his manners and steps forward to take the tray out of her hand and places it on the only piece of wall left standing in the back garden. With a slight blush coloring his face as he realizes just how much damage he caused to the beautiful backyard, Draco quickly mends the wrought iron table and chairs Ginny had set up and placed the tea tray on it once he was finished.

 

“I’ve thought about it and I am going to move back in to the Manor before we head back to school,” holding a hand up before Ginny can interrupt him Draco continues, “I know you swear I am doing less harm and more good, but if my parting words to her today were anything they should be a lesson that I don’t know when to hold my tongue, even in the most dire circumstances, and I always wound when I speak.”

 

Closing her mouth and looking out across the rubble that was her peaceful garden Ginny quietly asks, “so that is why you decided to take a page out of Hermione’s book?” She then pins Draco with a stare so intense he swears he can see Mrs. Weasley looking out of her daughter’s eyes and continues, “I thought Malfoy’s never gave up yet that’s all I hear you talking about, what the hell Draco? Do you not want to save her? I’ve watched you watch her you know. I saw the way you looked at her those last few years we were all in Hogwarts, there was more than just loathing in that gaze.”   
  
Scrubbing his hands over his face he lets out a frustrated growl, “Ginny I am toxic for her! I may have found more information than you and Harry could have found on your own, but I need to limit my interactions with her. I can’t stop myself from saying mean shit and I know it’s shit she doesn’t need to be told from someone she still views as an enemy. Hell, it’s barely something someone should hear from a friend.”

 

Leaning back in the chair, Draco stares towards the top of the tree they are sitting under, “you place way more faith in me for this task than I deserve, you and Harry both do. I’m going to pack my things after I set the garden back to rights. If I can’t do anything right for her the best I can do is at least clean up one of my messes,” lowering his gaze back to Ginny he adds, “you can tell her goodbye for me if you would like, I won’t be seeing her again before I leave. But you might want to wait for a little while at least because I am sure I made her extremely mad when I left.”

 

And with that he walked away while completely ignoring the last thing Ginny had said to him. It didn’t matter how he used to look at her because he wasn’t able to help her. If he couldn’t help her does what he used to think about even matter? Who cares how he used to think he felt? He was no good for her, that much was clear.

  
  


Trudging upstairs after quickly cleaning himself up from the mess he made while putting the garden back to rights, Draco pauses at his bedroom door. Half turning towards Hermione’s door he almost walks over to knock and say... _ what, what could I possibly say to make what I said any better? _ Swearing its a bad idea he tries to ignore the thought and makes it another two steps towards his bedroom.   _ Fuck,  _ he thinks after another small twist in his gut,  _ fine I will just knock on the door and apologize for my behavior and then I will go pack my shit and get out of here before I cause any more damage. _

 

Squaring his shoulders and drawing himself to full height, Draco walks over and knocks on the door that has his palms sweating.  After a few moments with no answer he knocks again a bit firmer causing the door to slowly creak open exposing a sliver of the disarray that was left behind. Eyes wide taking in the sight, Draco slowly wanders in to try and find the girl in the mess. Quickly realizing she isn’t anywhere in the room some broken glass catches his eye along with the splats and smears of blood that leave a trail towards the door.

 

With his stomach clenching even harder he backs out of the room assuming the blood will lead him downstairs yet wondering why he didn’t notice it on his way up in the first place. Tension creeps into his shoulders as he follows the blood trail towards the stairs leading up instead. Still unsure where the feeling originated, every step forward fills him with more trepidation and a need to hurry as he follows the trail. Finally done trying to quell his instincts he races up the stairs taking them two at a time praying to anyone that would hear him,  _ please let me be wrong _ .

  
  
  


The sight when he opened the door almost drops him to his knees. Lying so still on the floor in the middle of the attic. Her arms raised above her head as if in surrender and her hair spread out underneath her. She was beautiful, almost like an angel, except for all the blood, there was so much blood. Was she even still alive? Did he make it in time? Could the world be so cruel as to let him find her too late?

 

The split second he hung back in the doorway was enough to strengthen his resolve, the second he started moving towards her he noticed a small movement in her chest, a breath? Remembering everything Severus taught him about the healing, this was going to be the most intense thing he would ever do, was he pure enough to attempt? 

 

All those thoughts needed to be pushed aside, there was no way he would succeed if he doubted himself before he even started. Clearing his mind and filling it with the few moments of pure light in his life he brought up all the lessons he had with his old mentor. Wiping the silent tears from his eyes he sent a patronus to Harry and Ginny and immediately after sank into a trance like state.

 

A tremble went through the house from the first wave of his wand over her body. His voice quietly ringing through the old halls. Bringing every bit of his magic to the forefront, Draco hoped beyond hope he was strong enough to save her. If not they were both going to die and his final sacrifice would be in vain.

 

***

 

Three days later she still hadn’t woken up, three days later Draco was finally able to get up out of bed with a little help from Harry. Two days after that Draco found himself pacing the hall between their bedrooms expending every bit of energy he had gained back, two weeks after Draco brought Hermione back from the brink of death while almost killing himself in the process and he was ready to go out of his mind because she still just wouldn’t wake up.

 

She wasn’t dead, her nightmares were proof of that. Sometimes screaming at all hours of the day or night, words spoken but in a language no one was able to understand. She was unable to be awakened from any of them but would calm every time Draco started humming. That was the only reaction given that showed Hermione was still with them, other than her steady breathing. 

 

Mediwitches came by and announced there was no lasting brain damage found with any of their diagnostic spells adding that Draco healed her with amazing efficiency, better than even some of their top healers probably could have. 

 

Still, Draco could do nothing but worry. He felt her hovering on the edge, of what he didn’t quite know but he hoped she came back to them.


	10. Chapter 10

_ There was this feeling of terror, every cell in her body poised to fight. She didn’t know why or where it came from but a sense of danger lingered, her breathing ragged like she just finished running for her life but instead of standing she was laying on a hard surface.  _

 

_ Opening her eyes Hermione knew she was somewhere familiar yet also somewhere she had never in her life been before.  _

 

_ “That, my darling, is because you are not alive.” _

 

_ A strange voice she knew but couldn’t quite place yet drifted from her left.  As she stood and turned to find who spoke, what they said registered, “do you mean…” _

 

_ “No, no, you are not quite dead yet either. We are somewhere in between at the moment. Although it was a very close thing and the decision now rests completely on you even more than before.” _

 

_ Frowning in concentration, Hermione isn’t quite following the conversation, “but I tried to slit my wrists, no, I did it, how is that not making my own decision?” The horror of what put her here finally dawning on her. _

 

_ Chuckling a bit darkly the figure who Hermione now sees in the corner but only as a shadow asks their own question, “how do you feel?” _

 

_ Startled at the abrupt change in topic, Hermione actually takes a moment to think on the question instead of scoffing it off like she may have. Once she actually thinks about it, she realized she feels lighter than she has in a very long time. The oiliness that was growing in her is gone. That slick roll of unease that just wouldn’t stop isn’t there anymore. The voice is completely silenced. Not even a breath in the back of her mind. _

 

_ “But how--,” was all she could get out before taking a shaky step back from the shadow, “it was you, all along, in my mind. You were poisoning me, making me think all those evil thoughts.” _

 

_ “But how can you blame me without blaming yourself? You invited me in. It was your actions that opened the door and called to me. Am I the only one to blame if all I did was take advantage of the plea you were screaming to the cosmos?” _

 

_ Visions of the research and preparation Hermione went through flashed through her mind. Desperately pressing her palms into her eyes to shut out the images only makes it worse, the blood and yowls are all she sees and hears. The passing thought of “thank goodness he actually took the sleeping potion” the only thing that passed through her mind before the chanting began and the ritual took over her body. She knew at that moment she made the wrong decision, there was so much more darkness in the ritual than she could have imagined but she was too far gone to turn back. Something took over her from the moment the blood touched her hands and she hadn’t been free of it since, until waking up in this room that wasn’t a room. _

 

_ Pulling her hands away from her face, Hermione levels a gaze at the shadow, “you were the one whispering to me the whole time, ever since I found that journal. You knew what I sought and how to persuade me to do what you wanted while making me think it was what I was searching for all along. How could I have been so stupid?” _

 

_ Laughing a bit maniacally the shadow answers, “I do love the desperately naive ones, they are so easy to manipulate. That was your first foray into the darkness wasn’t it? Your sacrifice was so sweet for the virginity of it, how I do wish that silly boy hadn’t interfered then we wouldn’t be having this conversation and you would be all mine already.” _

 

_ “What do you mean?” Trying to remember what happened made her head hurt and the room spin. _

 

_ With another cruel chuckle the shadow waved its hand and procured a mirror so they both could see the reflection from it, with another wave of his hand the reflection changed, rippling into the familiar scene that was almost the last full memory Hermione could remember, her slipping up the attic stairs with the piece of mirror in her hands. _

 

_ Unsure what to expect as the scene continued to unfold, she watched the blood flow from her wrists with a morbidly detached curiosity. Expecting the history lesson to end there, she was surprised to find the scene switch back to her bedroom right as Draco Malfoy entered the room. Again, that detached feeling was back but with it came an anger she forgot she had harbored until that moment. Had any sound been able to come out of the mirror she would have heard the panicked way he shouted her name when he realized she wasn’t in the room. _

 

_ His hesitation at the attic doorway didn’t surprise her, what did was how quickly and efficiently he moved once he unfroze. As if time slowed down, Hermione watched in excruciating detail exactly what Draco did and how much of himself he gave just to save her. The anger that tried to take over when he first showed up was quickly extinguished when she realized the depth of the sacrifice he so easily gave to her. _

 

_ “I see you understand,” the shadow takes no time as soon as the mirror reflects the room back to them again, “because of that you have a choice but both options have their downfalls.” _

 

_ “Just get on with it, I am tired of dealing with you and now that I get to make my own decisions again I can’t wait to make the first one without your influence,” Hermione snaps finally done with being afraid of the shadow and tired of the games he seems to want to play. _

 

_ “Option one is you continue on, you killed yourself so you definitely won’t be moving on to a better place, but because of the sacrifice given, you will not be tethered to me for eternity like you would have although that may not be a good thing either. Option two is back to the world of the living, almost whole again. You will have the burden of carrying the guilt and memories of everything you did and you will be tied to the one who saved you for the rest of your life and possibly beyond.” _

 

_ Unable to stop the snort of disgust at the thought of being tied to Malfoy for eternity, Hermione shouted, “you’ve got to be kidding me, I can’t be involved with that ferret for the rest of my life.” _

 

_ “I said you would be tied to him, not that you have to be by his side every second, you don’t really even have to have a relationship with him, but you will know things about his life even if you don’t. There is an inseperable bond now because he willingly tied his life to yours, if he hadn’t the ritual wouldn’t have worked, impressive bit of magic actually,” the shadow grumbled that last bit barely loud enough for Hermione to hear. _

 

_ Thinking the whole conversation through from the moment she opened her eyes, Hermione realizes there really isn’t a question of which option she is going to choose. The devil on her shoulder tried to break her, now it was time to show that devil she wasn’t only able to withstand the storm, she became the storm that needed to be withstood. _


	11. Chapter 11

The tune she hears while returning to consciousness is achingly familiar. The sound washes over her, soothing aches she didn’t realize her body held until that moment. Letting lose a contented sigh, a soft gasp stopped her stretch and had her scooting as far from the noise as possible while popping her eyes open to realize she had no idea, once again, where she was.

 

Taking in the familiar wallpaper of her bedroom at Grimmauld Place, Hermione then noticed Ginny sitting in the corner in an overstuffed chair that was the only other thing still in the room besides the bed she was on and a bedside table next to Ginny.

 

The shocked look on Ginny’s face quickly moves into a mask of indifference that makes Hermione’s heart ache.

 

“I need to go call one of the mediwitches, all the doors will be locked, everything is stuck to the floor, all the windows and furniture has been charmed impenetrable, and your wand had been stored somewhere else in the house. Harry will come sit with you while I make the call.”

 

Without a second glance, Ginny strode out of the room and Hermione heard the distinct click of the lock as soon as the door shut. 

 

After a few moments of waiting, Hermione couldn’t quell the nervous energy running through her anymore. She throws the bedcovers still entangling her legs off and pushes herself to the edge of the bed. With more force than she expects to need she heaves herself out of bed as Harry walks into the room.

 

“I’m not sure if I would attempt that just--,” he doesnt get to finish before Hermione is falling face first after only making it two steps away from the bed.

 

Barely catching her before she smacks the floor, Harry throws one of her arms over his shoulder and moves her back to sit on the edge of the bed. Sitting on the chair he accio’d closer, he gives Hermione a very serious once-over.

 

Without any warning, “you’ve been unconscious for two and a half weeks. You will need to gain some of your strength back after not walking for that long, let alone not even being upright for that long.”

 

Opening her mouth to say something, Harry’s face turned stern, “no this is my time to talk Hermione, I gave you plenty of opportunity to talk to me and you shut me out every time. I tried to reach out to you, but you pulled even farther away. So I tried to give you space and you withdrew even more in to yourself. Why didn’t I try harder before it became too late?”

 

“Harry it wasn’t your fault, my issues started long before the final battle. The things I did, the things I kept from you, you never could have understood without knowing and I never would have told you, he never would have let me,” Hermione interrupted Harry’s tirade with, mumbling the last part to herself mostly, “look Harry, I have been a shitty person for along time, barely even a shell of myself. There are a lot of things we need to talk about,”

 

“You’re damn right there are,” he mumbles.

 

Unable to stop the giggle at his familiar, petulant tone, Hermione looked up at Harry fully seeing him for the first time in a long time, realizing how haggard he looked, “I am so sorry for everything and really hope you are willing to bear with me for a little bit longer while I try to sort a few things out, but I promise I won’t push you away this time.”

 

Swallowing past the emotion Harry replies with the only answer he could ever think of, “Hermione I will always be there to help you.”

 

After a few more moments of peace between the two of them, the mood was broken when a severe looking man in Healer’s robes strode into the room ahead of Ginny without even sparing a moment to announce his entrance.

 

“Miss Granger, I am shocked you woke up, and with what seems like no deficits either. Well, a few tests will help determine if that is true deeper than just the eye can see, please sit still a moment.”

 

Out of the corner of her eye, Hermione watches Harry slip out of the room.

 

Not long after that the Healer is finished and pronounces Hermione stable. 

 

“I see no lasting damage other than a small amount of dark energy surrounding you, but each time I have visited the amount has lessened. I am unsure where this energy originated from but it seems you have broken free of it at last and are starting down the path towards recovery. We have mind healers now if that is something you would be interested in. After the war we realized there was a lack of support in that area and have been working to fix that issue.”

 

Without another word the healer bows his head to Hermione and Ginny and walks out of the house.

 

Unable to figure out what to say, Hermione fiddles with the hem of her shirt. She can’t even bring herself to lift her eyes and seek Ginny out again just yet.

 

***

 

Harry finds Draco sitting under the same tree he’s chosen to sit under since Ginny first convinced him to get out of the house four days ago. Fingers still idly strumming the guitar in his lap his face turns inquisitive as Harry approaches.

 

“She woke up and seems to be alright. I left as the Healer was checking her over so don’t know with one hundred percent certainty but with the conversation we had before the Healer arrived, I would say she will be ok,” Harry rambled with obvious relief.

 

Trying to quell his own relief, Draco felt his heart skip a happy beat at the news.  _ Just because she is awake does not mean she wants to see you. She has no idea what went on after you left her room that afternoon, _ he mentally chided himself.

 

Unable to hide all of his reaction, Harry had seen the small smile that grew on Draco’s face as Harry had spoken.

 

“Give her a little bit mate, and I am sure she is going to want to see you. There are going to be a lot of questions and you are still the best person to answer some of them, I still don’t understand everything that went on,” Harry said, rightly interpreting Draco’s silence. He leans down next to the man with the guitar, “I’m sure she will want to thank you properly as it seems like we really have Hermione back.”

 

Clapping him on the shoulder once before he stands to leave, Harry takes one last look over his shoulder and definitely doesn’t miss the look of longing on Draco’s face as he gazes up towards Hermione’s bedroom window. Harry wonders how long Draco has pined for his best friend and why it took so long for him to realize that is part of the reason Draco was so easily convinced to move in with them.


	12. Chapter 12

For the next three days while working to regain some of the strength she lost while in a coma, Hermione tried to also piece together the last few months. There were gaps in her memories and it took her longer to put everything together in the correct order than it did for her to walk around the room without tiring too quickly.

 

Creating a timeline was the best thing she thought of while locked up in her room. Ginny still didn’t trust that she wouldn’t try to kill herself again and Hermione couldn’t blame her. But before she tried to explain it all to them she had to regain the lost memories. Most of the time they came back when she was dreaming, the horror of these memories made for many sleepless nights after she screamed herself awake, but she would spend that time writing the dreams down and plotting out the events that showed her exactly how stupid and naive she had been.

 

Waking up from one of these dreams is when she hears the tune again. It is how she finally places it and the sound of the sweet words as they sing along. 

 

***

 

_ After a particularly sleepless night of research using Harry’s invisibility cloak again, Hermione hurries down an unfamiliar corridor trying to get away from Mrs Norris who caught her scent as soon as she left the Restricted Section of the library. _

 

_ As she pauses to catch her breath and try to figure out where she ended up in the castle, an achingly sweet sound drifts down the hall. Hermione slowly follows the notes as a deep voice croons along. A peacefulness settles around her, something she hadn’t felt in a long time. Pausing at an open classroom door, she watches the elegant fingers gracefully play across the piano keys until she catches a glimpse of a familiar flash of white-blond hair causing her to gasp, before he can turn around and see her Hermione is dashing down the hall, completely forgetting she was covered in the invisibility cloak still in her shock. _

 

_ *** _

 

How could she have forgotten that moment? She held that feeling of peace for weeks afterward almost giving up on her pursuit of the ritual but being drawn right back in eventually. Was his voice just that beautiful or did he weave his magic into the beautiful wave of music that flowed out of him?

 

Realizing she couldn’t put off what she needed to say any longer Hermione called for Harry and asked if Draco would speak to her. Even though she knew she should give Harry his explanation first, she couldn’t help but leave the worst conversation for just a bit longer.  _ It was going to happen, had to happen, just not quite yet _ , she told herself.

  
  


Hermione knew the moment Harry found Draco and told him she wanted to speak to him, she may not have been able to make out the words outside her window but the abrupt end to the music was the best indication of his shock without being able to see him.

 

A few minutes and quiet knock later, Draco Malfoy was entering her room. Just like with Harry a few days ago, Hermione got her first clear look at him in a very long time and realized just how tired and drawn he looked. Pointing to the chair in the corner she asks, “are you able to pull that closer so we can talk without needing to yell across the room at each other?”

 

Raising his eyebrow slightly he accio’s the chair and she watches as it re-sticks itself to the floor, appreciating the slight modification that must have been added to the sticking charm Hermione couldn’t help but be impressed knowing it was Ginny’s handiwork.

 

“Umm, ok so, why the hell did you put yourself through that? And why the FUCK did you bond us together to save my life if you didn’t give a shit whether I took it or not?” Slightly shocked at how that came out exactly, Hermione quickly shut her mouth after her outburst. She had planned to ease into the conversation, not just spout the important question right out there.

 

Draco met Hermione’s gaze and held it for what felt like an eternity, seeming to find what he was searching for in the depths of her soul he quietly spoke, “Hermione what I last said to you was possibly the cruelest thing I have done in a while, it was also the very last thing I should have said to you.”

 

All her words finally sank in, “how do you already know about the bond?” His bewildered expression almost made her laugh. “No one knows how I healed you, I didn’t even know you were going to be the one I would need it for when he taught me what to do.”

 

It was Hermione’s turn to be confused, “who taught you how to heal me? Who would have known how to heal all of...well all of that at once?”

 

“I don’t know how he knew, there were lots of things he insisted on but would never explain, that always panned out in the end and I learned pretty quickly to not question and just go along with whatever plan he had to teach me whatever skills were ‘extremely important’ at that time for me to know.” Leaning back in the chair, Draco looked more uncomfortable than Hermione remembered seeing him. Seems like they were both in for an awkward ride then.

 

“How much do you know about what I did?” Hermione asked without any further stalling.

 

“Damn, we really are just going right into it aren’t we? Fuck Granger, you always were fairly direct,” Draco blows out an exasperated sigh.

 

“Are we going to keep ignoring each other’s questions? Dammit this isn’t going to get us anywhere Malfoy!”

 

After a pregnant pause, both waiting for the other to start speaking first, “fine, the voice showed me you healing me and then explained how we are bonded for eternity because of it,” before Draco had a chance to say anything she continued, “and now it is your turn to answer my first question.”   
  
His composure held for a few more minutes before the walls crumbled down, “I couldn’t let the last thing I said to you be my last impact on your life. You may not believe this, and I know I did a shit job the last few months showing you, but Hermione I really do care whether you survived or not.” Nervously running his hands through his hair, Hermione saw the slight tremble to them as he lowered them back to his lap. The steady tick of his leg lightly bouncing up and down conveying just how frayed his composure was.

 

“I don’t want to blame you because that is the last thing you need, but dammit Hermione, why the fuck did you actually go through with it? No matter how bad it got-,” before he could finish his thought Hermione interrupted him with a hand on his knee to still it.

 

“Malfoy, there are a lot of things you need to understand, there were things I needed to understand before I could explain it to all of you, but I think I have pieced it all together,” slightly drawing in on herself at the horrors that flash through her mind, “you won’t believe the things I did, I can barely believe them and I did it.”

 

Tears suddenly blinding her, Hermione finds herself relaying all of it to Draco, even the parts she wanted to hold back. The scenes unfold in front of her eyes and she can’t help but wonder if Draco can see them as clearly as she does.

 

***

 

_ Thank goodness she easily talked him into the sleeping draught. He had barely been sleeping anyways. Giving him ‘just enough to last through my watch’ really turned into, ‘enough to knock you out for 12 hours.’ _

 

_ The yowls coming from Crookshanks cage after Harry passed out were enough to wake anyone up from a normal sleep. It was as if the creature knew something else was stirring in the tent that night.  _

 

_ After what she thought was thorough research, Hermione had everything she needed to use the essence of herself to protect Harry. Similar to a horcrux ritual Hermione will split her soul but completely opposite it, the sacrifice of something closest to her will help her contort the piece of her soul into an invisible shield that will protect the intended from all manner of spells and threats. A tether will connect the piece of the soul to the one who sacrificed it, continuing to draw the energy from them until there is nothing left to give. _

 

_ The ritual started just like she thought it would, the light of her magic working to keep the darkness of the ritual at bay until all of a sudden disaster hit. The piece of Hermione’s soul melded with the piece of Voldemort’s soul no one knew was in Harry creating a crack in the wall between light and dark inside Hermione. When the time in the ritual came to kill an innocent she didn’t think twice about sacrificing Crookshanks for the cause, the part she thought would be the hardest seemed the moment something else took over her body and threw her fears aside to complete this ritual. _

 

_ *** _

 

Recounting it for the first time for someone else really brought the reality of what she did down on her. Getting through as much as she could Hermione completely broke down as the images faded and she could see Draco kneeling in front of her, worry in his eyes.

 

Shocking them both she threw herself into his arms and sobbed. Sometimes broken sentences could be heard through her tears. All Draco could do was hold her close and run his hand through her hair trying to soothe her to the best of his awkward ability.

 

Waking up still wrapped in Draco’s arms was the oddest feeling to Hermione. She couldn’t help but wonder if the bond that was created helped the sense of peace she was feeling being cocooned in his scent and warmth. She didn’t even remember falling asleep, only sobbing into his sinfully soft sweater. Her unconscious shift closer must have made him realize she was awake if the sudden tension in his shoulders meant anything.

 

“I know I should have moved you but you looked calmer than I had seen you in a long time and I didn’t want to interrupt that. After everything, you deserve some peace.” The slight uncomfortability in his voice was painful for Hermione to hear. Thinking it was caused by their proximity she tried to shift out of his lap and was surprised by the his arms tightening as if to keep her in place before they slid away and let her move freely.

 

“I still have a lot more questions Granger but we can continue later if you want.”

 

“I would rather just get it over with. Finally telling you helped me realize I was hiding from what I did for a long time. Part of it was because I was made to, part of it was being ashamed of my actions, and the last part of it I think was because I lost who I was for a long time because of it. It’s time I admit to it and talk about it.” Hermione said to him with a lot more determination than she thought she could muster.

 

They both moved back to where they had been sitting a respectable distance away from each other like the moment of closeness hadn’t happened, though Hermione could smell him on her and the peace that still brought both confused and calmed her.

 

“Did you know the journal was written by a Malfoy ancestor when you found it?” he asked without preamble once they were both settled.

 

“No, I didn’t even realize it was a journal until I got about halfway through the book. Who created it never would had mattered to me at that point anyway though. The voice had already started whispering to me at that point. When I found the journal was when the whisper turned into a roar. I couldn’t turn back after that,” shivering at the memory of the beginning of the voice in her head, Hermione wished she wouldn’t have kept quiet about it, maybe she could have gotten help soon enough so it never would have gotten to this point.

  
  


As Hermione looked up at Draco he couldn’t help but see darkness in her beauty, a darkness that called to him so he could help her beat it back. If anyone could help him find a light, it was her. Even with her own darkness she was still fighting, the beautiful light that started to surround her again was intoxicating. 

 

They talked long into the night. Hermione telling him things he never thought she would have been capable of, Draco finally opening up to someone about all the horrors he witnessed. As the weight of the day and her confessions took its toll Hermione finally gave in to sleep, Draco watched her for a few more minutes before heading to bed himself. He couldn’t help but see the beauty blossom in her again, possibly even more beautiful than she was before because of all she had endured and survived.


	13. Chapter 13

The next morning Hermione woke much more at peace again, it was invigorating to finally feel more than numbness, pain, and anger. The time had come for her to talk to Harry, Ginny too. It seemed she scared Ron away a few weeks ago so she was going to have to wait to talk to him. 

 

After finishing the breakfast Kreacher brought her and actually changing into some regular clothes instead of the pajamas she had been in for days, she asked him to see if Harry and Ginny both would come see her. She didn’t want to chicken out and everything she had to tell Harry were things Ginny should hear as well. She knew he was going to tell her anyways so they both may as well hear it from her.

 

Harry walked in first giving Hermione his usual happy smile made especially happy to see Hermione looking even more like herself. Ginny followed him with the mask of indifference she had worn around Hermione ever since she woke up. Closing the door and leaning against it, Ginny’s posture said she wasn’t moving any closer for the time being. Harry however came over and gave her a hug, it felt like old times wrapping her arms around her best friend again, until she remembered why she called him in and hoped after she told him everything he would still love her like the family he always claimed she was to him.

 

Pulling away at the hitch in Hermione’s breath Harry gave her an inquisitive look.

 

“Sit down and get comfortable. I have a long story to tell. Please don’t interrupt me and let me finish. I know this isn’t going to be easy to hear, it is even harder to speak about trust me. I am ashamed of my actions and can only ask for forgiveness after I tell you what I did but before I begin, I cannot stress enough that this was all for your protection Harry.”

 

***

 

A stunned silence was left in the wake of Hermione’s confession. Ginny had slid to the ground about halfway through unable to continue to support herself. Harry switched between looks of horror and disbelief throughout the entire retelling.

 

As tears continued to stream down Hermione’s cheeks, a silence filled the room with the end of her tale.

 

Eyes darting from Harry to Ginny and back while nervously picking at her cuticles, Hermione opens her mouth to try and say anything when Ginny’s voice is barely heard from where she is still seated in front of the door, “so that’s what happened to Crookshanks? Harry said he thought he ran away when the Snatchers caught you all.”

 

“I performed the ritual long before that, I finally realized that telling Harry he ran away was the easiest way to get him to quit asking about Crooks. I don’t remember when I finally came up with that excuse though so it was possibly around that time.”

 

Ginny fell silent again, seeming locked in her thoughts. Hermione turned to Harry to find him studying her with a bit of anger.

 

Shrinking back from the irritation of her best friend, she reminds herself that he has every right to feel that way, she had just laid down a lot for him and to expect him to just gloss over everything and forgive her immediately was the stupidest thing she could have hoped for, unfortunately she definitely wasn’t prepared for his anger.

 

“Hermione how could you do that to yourself? You say it was all for me but you didn’t think one minute about what your actions would have meant for me after I was saved. What if I had been the only survivor? What if I hadn’t been able to kill Voldemort? There are a lot of fucking variables you never took into consideration so I don’t really care what excuse you give for starting your research but don’t use my safety anymore. You did that for your own selfish reasons,” Harry spat at her.

 

Taken aback by the accusation she was ready to get mad back at him, she didn’t deserve to be treated like that after everything she went through for him. Before she could say a word though, her conscience spoke up for the first time in a long time,  _ listen to his words, they come from a place of anger but there is a truth you need to quit hiding from behind the emotions. _

 

As she thought about his words she realized she really had been selfish. Yes, her main goal had been to save Harry but, especially in the beginning, it was because she wanted to reduce the amount of time she spent worrying about him surviving this. It eventually morphed into somewhat of an obsession figuring out how to ensure he survived, but initially it was so she would quit worrying and that was an extremely selfish thing to do. 

 

She wasn’t the only one who had loved ones fighting in the war, none of the ones she knew went to the extremes she did. There were so many who loved Harry and wanted to see him survive as much as she did and none of them took the steps she did to ensure that. Again she was reminded of how stupid she was.

 

The moment the realization truly hit her, looking up at Harry with tears in her eyes again, she couldn’t even find words to express how sorry she was.

 

After making a few choking noises, words finally started tumbling out, “Merlin Harry, fuck, I am so fucking sorry. I had convinced myself from the beginning I was only doing it for you but you’re right, you’re completely right,” was all Hermione could get out before she started bawling again.

 

Surprised by the feel of arms circling around her shoulders and pulling her into them, she relaxed into Ginny’s side, barely sparing a second to wonder at the change in attitude from her friend.

 

“Hermione, I think a lot of Harry’s anger is coming from shock. We knew something bad was going on but never suspected the depths of it. Some of it is also probably coming from guilt at you doing all that for him,” Ginny looks over at Harry begging with a look for him to say something, anything to their friend who just confessed some of her biggest secrets ever to them and no matter how horrible her actions were, Hermione was trying to be better than that and she needed their support.

 

“I’m going to need some time to think about this,” Harry finally said. Hermione had finally quieted down a bit and nodded.

 

Leaning up from Ginny’s embrace Hermione looked at Harry fully, “I understand and never expected you to just be ok with this immediately or ever really but I couldn’t keep it from you any longer. You should have had a say in it and at the very least you deserved to know. I understand if you can’t forgive me or trust me again but please know I am so sorry and if I had only spoken up about the voice and things before things got so far, well the past is the past and we can’t change anything with ‘what ifs’ now can we?”

 

Turning to Ginny she almosts whispers, “take care of him and yourself please.”

 

After that she asks them to leave so they can process her story and she can try to find even a smidge of the peace she woke up with again. Just like after confessing to Draco, she felt like another weight was lifted from her with this confession. But unlike then, she felt more alone than ever wondering if two people she cared about most could ever look at her the same way again.

 

_ All I can do is try my best to show them I will never be that person again,  _ she thinks trying to give herself a pep talks,  _ Draco understood because he is doing something very similar to what I am doing except he will have to show the whole wizarding world he has changed, not just those  closest to him. _

 

With a sigh she lays back down on the bed realizing she is exhausted from the emotional toll taken on her today. Nodding off to sleep she hears the guitar outside her window again, wondering if she would be able to venture outside soon she drifts off to sleep, finally finding that small sliver of peace she wished for only a few moments ago.


	14. Chapter 14

Waking up from her nap, looking around her darkened room Hermione realizes she slept longer than intended. A soft knock at the door alerts her to what actually woke her up.

 

“Hermione, can we talk? I don’t like how we left things earlier,” Harry says through the door.

 

Remembering how distant he was, Hermione couldn’t help but worry how this conversation would go but she definitely owed it to Harry and wasn’t going to back down just because it was going to be difficult.

 

“Come on in,” she called back trying to straighten herself up a bit so she didn’t look so disheveled.

 

Opening the door and locking eyes almost immediately, they both looked away rather sheepishly.  Harry finally made his way to the chair and sat back down. Hermione hoped it was a good sign he didn’t move it farther away.

 

“I was really rude to you and really flippant about your confession Hermione. Ginny and I talked a lot after we left, and I took some time myself to think about everything. I still can’t fully wrap my head around everything you did, but I am hoping that you can help explain more for me so I have a better understanding of everything influencing you. After talking to Ginny I realized I missed some of the things you said because I was stuck on other parts still but I want to understand so I can help you realize you never have to put yourself through something like that again, so you never have to put any of us through something like that again. I was so fucking worried about you,” staring at Hermione with tears threatening to spill over, Harry tries to convey his sincerity as best he can.

 

“I am done hiding Harry, anything you want to know I am willing to talk about. It won’t be easy, no part of my actions was, but I am done trying to act like nothing's wrong and I am done being a shell of a person. I want me back, whoever that is anymore,” Hermione says with a conviction Harry hadn’t heard come from her in a long time.

 

“Why?”

 

He didn’t have to ask anything else, she knew he wanted the full reason, and it was time to be truthful to them both, “you’re right Harry, it was me being selfish any trying to convince myself otherwise. I did it so I would quit worrying about you. Being part of the Battle at the Ministry broke something in me Harry, it was my largest brush with the war to date, the first time I had actually had to battle for my life, watch others around me battle for their lives. Once I realized you were the one who had to defeat Voldemort it was a constant worry that you would survive to even face him again, I mean look at your track record for almost dying Harry,” they both gave each other almost smiles at that until the severity of the situation hit them again, “then when you started acting really weird in sixth year and became obsessed with Draco I convinced myself I had to find a way to protect you. Do you remember me talking to you about it?”   
  
“No I don’t think so,” he squints in concentration trying to remember anything like that.

 

“You were so caught up in what you were doing that you barely had time to listen to me before you told me to mind my own business and quit worrying. Which unfortunately I couldn’t do because the worries had gotten worse over the last year. I know now that I had anxiety, should have seen the signs then, but hindsight is 20/20 they say,” sighing at her stupidity again, Hermione ends with, “I should have tried harder to talk to you, maybe that year would have gone different for the both of us if I had.”

 

“How did you ever think you could change that ritual enough so it wasn’t dark magic? Hermione blood magic is dark magic.”

 

“That is where you are slightly wrong,” Hermione sort of cut Harry off, “not all blood magic is dark magic, most bonding rituals such as marriage rituals include a little bit of blood magic. There are other instances I have found, mostly with healing rituals that use blood magic for light magic, but the line between the light and dark is always extremely thin. The voice had convinced me I could tweak the ritual enough to make it close enough to a healing ritual that it would transcend the initial dark intention and hop over into the spectrum of light magic.” 

 

Leaning back to get more comfortable on the bed, she continued, “He was actually shocked because I had almost succeeded until the piece of Voldemort’s soul that was trapped inside of you sort of hijacked the ritual. I still controlled it but his soul fragment was so evil that it tipped the scale back which I had balanced so precariously to make it do what I wanted.”

 

That dazed look was back on Harry’s face again, worried she had overwhelmed him again, Hermione shifted closer, the flinch she couldn’t miss from him tore her to pieces. 

 

Seeing Hermione’s face fall, Harry realizes fairly quickly why. Reaching out to grab her hand he says, “I am not scared of you, well ok, let me change that, I am terrified of the things you will put yourself through to protect those you love no matter the sacrifices. You say you knew there was no way you could tweak the spell to keep yourself alive?” 

 

“I tried everything but all roads pointed to me dying if you faced Voldemort and he attempted to kill you but I was ready for that sacrifice. If my life force was what would keep you alive to finish this war then so be it. There were so many others who had already given their lives for the cause, what was one more? That is what I thought at least. Now I realize a lot of that was the voice making me only see that reasoning, making me think that the only way to protect you completely was to give my life like they had. Now I think it was because he wanted something from me after death, somehow I had bound myself to him and Draco broke that when he healed me.”

 

“How did he heal you? The healers were so shocked at the magic signature surrounding you. By the time they got there Draco was already done, both of you passed out in the attic.” The look Harry gave Hermione was inquisitive, it seemed like he really was telling the truth when he said he wasn’t afraid of her, just her possible actions.

 

“That is something you will have to ask him. I may have watched the ritual because of what the voice showed me but I still have no idea exactly what he did because I could hear nothing, only watch. We talked about a lot of things the other night but that is something I was never able to get him to explain to me,” Hermione sighs, “in the name of coming clean there is something else you should know about Draco healing me, the voice said and Draco basically confirmed that the ritual he performed bound me to Draco. Before you get your tie in a knot,” she added when Harry started sputtering with indignation, “I have no obligation to him. It is merely a, we will know things about each other even if we aren’t near, sort of binding.”

 

With a small sigh of relief Harry asks, “so you don’t have to marry him or anything right?”

 

“Not if we don’t want it to go that far,” Hermione replied, going red as soon as the words are out because they sound almost like something is going on between herself and Draco. Come to think about it,  _ when had she started calling him Draco instead of Malfoy?  _ Shaking her head because that was something to ponder when she and Harry were done talking.

 

Clearing her throat she tries to change the subject, “is there anything else you need clarification of?”

 

Thankfully Harry was always fairly easy to steer onto a different course replied, “actually yea, did you ever find out who or what the voice really was?”

 

Damn, one of the hardest questions to answer, of course it had to be. Harry may be oblivious sometimes but he wasn’t stupid, not by any means. Hermione takes a moment to think her answer through, “yes and no,” she finally comes up with, “you see I don’t think I will ever with one hundred percent certainty know exactly what this incorporeal voice was, but when I was in the room with it, when I was dead, there was a familiarity I can’t ignore.”

 

Nervously picking at her fingernails again, Hermione looks at Harry to see if he is following her and he gives a slight nod as if to say, go on, “I think the voice was a mixture of things, I thought it started out as my conscience but now that I can hear it again I think it was more of what muggles would say is a devil on their shoulder, only this thing manifested a bit more solidly into something because of the things I was researching. Remember we have always been taught dark magic leaves a taint? No matter the amount you start with there is always a taint that lingers after, the more you engage the more the taint grows. I had to see if what I was researching would be able to work, I had to actually perform magic to see if my tweaks were doing what they were supposed to. The voice was just really good at hiding the taint of dark magic that kept growing within me because the larger that became the stronger he became and more he controlled my thoughts.”

 

Imploring Harry to understand she continued in a bit of a monotone, “I withdrew into myself when I realized I wasn’t in control anymore. When Kingsley told me I could never get my parents back I wanted to kill him so badly I could smell his blood. I decided not talking and drawing inside would help curb those thoughts and when it didn’t the cutting did for a little while. The pain distracted me from the hurt and the anger.”

 

Harry was crying again, “Hermione I had no idea it was so bad for you. I knew it was bad but wow.” He sat back, completely stunned for a moment as the weight of Hermione’s confession hit him fully.

 

“I didn’t want you to see my struggle Harry, you had enough to deal with without taking on my problems on top of that, you had a whole community to save and afterwards you had yourself to heal. You didn’t need me on top of all that. But I know again that is selfishness and the voice speaking to me because of course you would worry when my happiness is partly tied in with your happiness. That is how it works with family and I forgot about that. The whole not expecting to survive thing sort of changed those reactions though too.”

 

Trying to squash the urge to hug Harry because she wasn’t sure how well that would be recieved, a moment later she realized that she should have never worried as Harry launched himself at her. Hugging fiercely he tells her, “please never shut me out again and I promise to try to do the same with you. I still can’t believe everything you did and everything you went through, but it is so damn good to have you back Hermione.”

 

Squeezing back as hard as she can, she replies, “it’s good to be back Harry, and finally thinking for myself again after so long.”


	15. Chapter 15

The next morning, Hermione finds her door is unlocked after deciding to be adventurous and seeing if she can go downstairs for breakfast instead of eating alone in her room.

 

She cautiously walks down the stairs almost waiting for someone to pop out and scream, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OUT OF YOUR ROOM, but she encountered no one as she made her way to the kitchen. 

 

Nearing the door she hears some quiet banter coming from inside, smiling at the familiarity and comfortability bouncing around the room she pushes her way inside and becomes nervous when the jovial sounds from moments before die completely at her presence. Realizing there were more than just the three roommates she knew to still be in the house makes her want to scurry back to the confines of her room.

 

Ron is someone she still needs to talk to but was unsure how to breach the subject since he had moved out, or so she had been told, but here he sat at the kitchen table having breakfast. All occupants of the room looked at her surprised and then she watched the surprise on Ron’s face morph into something different.

 

There was a distrust behind some anger and hurt it seemed but before Hermione could get a good read on it and before anyone could say anything, Ron pushed away from the table and his half eaten plate muttering about needing to get back and hopping into the fireplace after throwing some floo powder in.

 

“I’m sorry for bothering you all, I can take my breakfast in my bedroom still,” Hermione said hoping the others wouldn’t hear the waver in her voice. How could actions as simple as those hurt her so bad? 

 

Before she could turn around and flee back up to her room, Draco was out of his chair and guiding her into one. Harry soon after placed a full plate of sausage, eggs, toast, and a small bowl of fresh fruit in front of her along with a cup of tea and coffee.

 

After squeezing her shoulder for a moment, Harry moved to take Ron’s abandoned plate and toss its contents in the bin, Draco moved to sit down across from Hermione, and Harry and Ginny finally joined them with their own plates and proceeded to dig into breakfast like Hermione hadn’t just interrupted anything or caused Ron to create a bit of a scene.

 

“I’m glad you decided to come down and eat with us this morning Hermione,” Ginny said with a hesitant smile, “I hope you can forgive the stoniness I gave you after you woke up. I just didn’t want you to try again and actually succeed and break my heart all over. I was going to have to be strong for Harry and I couldn’t let you drag me back into caring if you were just going to throw us all away again.”

 

“There is nothing to forgive, I have been a terrible friend to all of you and I intend to make up for it,” Hermione replies with a small smile of her own.

 

“Umm, how could you have been a terrible friend to me if we weren’t even friends before?” Draco asks with his usual smirk.

 

“Well you had to be the friend to my friends because I wasn’t there to do it so that makes me terrible to you as well,” Hermione replies and then quickly sticks her tongue out at him.

 

“Acting like a nine year old I see,” he says while barely holding back a laugh, “you always were a sassy little thing.”

 

Draco and Hermione continue to playfully bicker back and forth as they eat their breakfast.

 

Harry and Ginny watch the whole exchange with raised eyebrows. Bonded indeed.

  
  


After breakfast Hermione asks if she can go out in the backyard. Harry and Ginny both say immediately, “of course, you aren’t our prisoner Hermione.” 

 

Ginny then continues, “the only reason we locked you in your room that first day was because we were afraid you would hurt yourself again. After we quit leaving someone to watch over you we also quit locking your door.”

 

Harry rubs the back of his neck sheepishly, “one of us probably should have told you that though.”

 

“At least I know now,” she replied giving another small smile and giving his shoulder a slight squeeze before quickly moving to slip out the door.

 

Stopping at the bottom of the steps she takes a deep breath of fresh air, the feel of the wind in her hair slightly exhilarating. It's almost as if she is experiencing it for the first time.

 

The sound of the door opening again startles her, she turns around to see Draco standing on the landing right outside the door holding her vinewood wand. She almost wants to weep at the sight of it. The emptiness in her hand glaringly obvious just now. She knew why they had taken the wand but now that it was in front of her she wanted nothing more than to hold it again.

 

Taking the few steps to meet Hermione on the patio he held the wand out to her, “we talked about it earlier, and seeing you come down to breakfast on your own helped us make the final decision, it is time you had your wand back. You deserve that amount of trust from us.”

 

“I didn’t even think about asking when I would get it back. I know I didn’t think it would be this soon but I also will not argue with you about that.”

 

Once Draco places the wand back in her hands, a breeze swirls up around her and she starts glowing with this inner aura that lit her up so beautifully. And the smile that blossomed on her face, Draco had to shake himself to stop from kissing her right then and there. _ It was too soon after her recovery and I am sure she wouldn’t want my lips all over her after all this _ , he mentally scolded himself.

 

“Just like when it chose me for the first time, looks like it missed me just as much as I missed it,” Hermione beamed, completely oblivious to Draco’s internal struggle.

 

Clearing his throat he replies a bit stilted, “always a special feeling. I will get out of your way, just wanted to give that back to you.”

 

Before he could even make it two steps back towards the door her voice trickles over to him with an inquisitive tone, “I always hear you play the same song outside my window. What is it?”

 

Hanging his head for a moment because he was almost away from the temptation that was Hermione and her vulnerability but she was like a drug that kept dragging him back and he finds himself turning around and answering, “it is something my mother used to sing to me when I was a child. I’ve never known the name of it but it is something I have learned to play on every instrument because it is a song that always calms me.”

 

“It is beautiful but I think I like you playing it on the piano better than the guitar.”

 

Realizing she said something odd when his head snapped up at her confession, slamming her hand over her mouth as if that would allow Hermione to take the words back once she realized what she had said.

 

“How do you know that if you’ve only heard me play it outside your window?” Gaze holding hers as if he can find the answer there.

 

“I, umm, I stumbled across someone playing it on the piano years ago in school and just assumed it was you after I heard you play it on guitar,” she mumbled knowing he saw through the lie as soon as she verbalized it.

 

Letting out an exasperated sound Draco turns and starts back towards the door. Hermione realizes she wasn’t ready for him to leave and knowing the only thing that will stop that from happening, she starts talking. Telling him all about the moment in sixth year that keeps haunting her dreams, being honest with herself it's more like it keeps the other nightmares at bay.

 

She doesn’t mean for that last bit to come out but somehow it does, it seems she has no problems once she starts talking, admitting things to Draco Malfoy that she would have thought she could keep secret before.

 

“Is this camaraderie between us always going to feel surprisingly natural even though it's only because of some bond you invoked to save my life?” Hermione asks innocently enough.

 

A slight tensing of the shoulders is the only indication Draco gives that the question makes him uncomfortable but he tries to answer the best way possible, “there will always be a sense of fellowship between us but it doesn’t have to be more than a small thing if neither of us want it to be, the closer proximity and more we interact does strengthen the bond but only as much as the two involved allow. If I did something to make you hate me the bond wouldn’t prevent that or anything. You would just hate me while still knowing if I was in danger, or near you, or if I was hurt.”

 

“Oh, ok, I don’t mind becoming friends if you aren’t opposed, seeing as you are already friends with two of my best ones,” she smiled at him a bit shyly.

 

They spend the rest of the morning and a good chunk of the afternoon getting to know each other more. They had already laid out some of their darkest secrets to each other that first night Hermione started talking about what happened to her, now it was time to focus on the happier things, the more mundane details. Without the thought of blood prejudices between them, they realize they both have so much more in common than either of them ever realized the whole time they went to school together.

  
  


“You seriously read Jane Austen growing up?” Hermione was laughing so hard she could barely get the question out, “I wasn’t expecting that at all,” she adds when she finally calms down some, “I’m sorry to laugh but that was a shocking discovery. I figured you probably had classics in the library you always boasted about but didn’t expect to ever hear she was one of your favorite authors.”

 

“And who would be one of your most embarrassing favorites, might I ask?” Leaning towards her, they had migrated to the bench under the willow tree during their conversation and were sitting close enough Draco could smell the scent he will always think of as purely Hermione, it was hard to describe but there was a sweetness that he had never smelled anywhere else but Amortentia and damnit he swore to himself he wasn’t going to get too close. It would only make things harder when she rejected him. Friends, why did he think he could be her friend when he wanted so much more.

 

Now that he wasn’t worried about her mental and physical health anymore the feelings he thought he had gotten rid of were making an appearance again only this time he doesn’t have his family spouting pure blood ideals at him reminding him why a relationship between the two of them would never work. 

 

Realizing she hadn’t said anything for a while Draco pulls himself out of his thoughts to find Hermione staring at him, she tilts her head and pulls a questioning face, “where did you go just now because you were so deep in your head I could see the wheels turning?”

 

Reaching out for a moment as if he was going to caress her face, Draco hesitates before he touches her. The moment grows longer and Hermione opens her mouth to say something and breaks the spell. Draco is off the bench and inside the door before she can process what happened but she knows the swell of disappointment in her chest is real and can admit to herself she was hoping he would kiss her right before he took off.


	16. Chapter 16

Ginny watched Draco run back into the house after spending hours with Hermione. Since then she has observed him carefully avoiding being alone with Hermione. Never actually avoiding her presence, but as soon as he realizes they may end up the only ones in an area of the house he bolts. She also sees the longing looks given by both Hermione and Draco when the other isn’t looking. If she wasn’t so frustrated with the both of them she would find this situation comical.

 

Finally having enough of this behavior after four days, Ginny stomps her way up the stairs. Not even bothering to knock on Hermione’s door she barges in, typical Ginny style, and starts in without preamble, “I see Draco look at you the same way you look at him.”

 

Hermione sputters to try and deny looking at Draco any specific way but Ginny just keeps going, “and have you noticed that once you woke up you quit calling him Malfoy? Or does Draco just roll off your tongue so naturally you didn’t even realize you were saying it?”

 

“Well, see…..,” Hermione tries again, “you and Harry always call him Draco now so I figured it was about time I did.”

 

Shaking her head with a knowing smirk, “how about we try that again Hermione? You should know that I know better than that.”

 

Sighing in exasperation, Hermione laments, “why did I have to tell you about my weird ass crush on him back in school?”   
  
“Maybe it was because you couldn’t take your eyes off him at quidditch games even though you never paid attention when any other house was playing?” Ginny countered.

 

Grinning at Ginny because this felt so normal, Hermione finally came clean, “ok so I like him! Old news as you’ve reminded me. It’s not like I can do anything about it. I’m still not his type.”

 

This time it was Ginny’s turn to sigh in exasperation, “did you not hear me when I said you both looking at each other? He wants you as bad as you want him, what part of that is so hard to understand?”

 

Unable to stand still any longer, Hermione moves from the bed and starts pacing around her room, “Ginny you don’t understand. He doesn’t want someone broken. Someone he has already had to fix and almost die for once. Why the hell would he want to pursue a relationship with someone like that?”

 

Stepping in front of her friend to stop her forward momentum, Ginny makes Hermione look her in the eye, “Hermione, we are all broken. And “fixing” you once shows me that he cares enough to protect you through anything. If that doesn’t show deep feelings then I don’t know what does.”   
  
“But the bond-,” Hermione started only to be cut off again by Ginny.

 

“Fuck the bond Hermione, Draco already did so much for you before that was even created so don’t even think about using that as an excuse.”

 

Hands on her hips, fire in her eyes, Ginny was always a force to be reckoned with. When she put her mind to something there was almost never a way to sway her. Groaning in defeat Hermione knows Ginny is right, she can’t keep avoiding talking to Draco.

 

“Fine but what would I even tell him? Hi Draco, even though it was inappropriate at the time since we hated each other, I’ve had a secret crush on you for years and now that I’ve gotten to know you I can’t stop thinking about kissing you. How the hell do you think he is going to respond to that?”

 

The smirk on Ginny’s face is down right pleased, before she can even think of why she should be as pleased as she is, hands grip Hermione’s shoulders and spin her a half step away from Ginny. She catches a glimpse of blonde hair and silver eyes before her own close milliseconds after lips crash down on hers. It takes her a moment longer before she kisses him back, hands finding his shoulders to grip on tight, his arms encircling her and holding on like she is something precious.

 

The kiss is sweet, the fire of the first moment bleeding out into something that can only be described as magical. As her hands slide from his shoulders to grip his hair, as the kiss turns from sweet to slightly heated drawing a hum from Hermione, the clearing of a throat kills the silence and has Hermione jumping back like she had been burned.

 

Blushing fiercely when she sees Draco in front of her, his hair slightly disheveled from her hands roaming, lips pinkened from their kiss, she quickly turns to Ginny, “you sneaky little witch! You knew he would be listening?”   
  
“I was only hoping your heightened emotions would send Draco here running. Seems like he at least heard the tail end of your rant,” she easily admitted while grinning devilishly. 

 

“You really are a sneaky little witch aren’t you,” Draco gives her a sly smile considering he is reaping the rewards of her sneakiness.

 

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Ginny says to Hermione as she heads to the door, looking back one last time before walking out of it she adds, “just be sure to use a contraceptive charm”   
  
They can hear her laughter as she makes her way back down the stairs. Hermione’s face is burning even more which she didn’t think was possible. She has barely looked Draco in the eye since their kiss.

 

Draco hooks his finger under her chin to make her look at him, sincerity shining in his eyes he says, “Hermione I have wanted to do that for a long time now but I also want to apologize because I should not have barged in here like that.”

 

“Quit playing the gentleman, I know you wanted to kiss me the other day on the bench. Why didn’t you?” 

 

There was no accusation in her eye, no anger, only curiosity as Draco searched her face trying to find the right words to answer, “Hermione I don’t see you as broken, but even before hearing what you told Ginny I knew you saw yourself that way. I wanted you to be able to see yourself the way I do before I even approached the subject of my feelings.”   
  
“Even after I told you about my dreams, how that memory kept me sane for so long. How even now it keeps most of the nightmares away. That was me trying to tell you my feelings without actually saying the words.”

 

Pacing back and forth again Hermione runs her hands through her hair, “I’m not good for a relationship Draco, even before all of this I was shit at trying for relationships. Now I’m more fucked up than ever, there is no way I will be good at this.”   
  
Taking Hermione’s hand and tugging her to a stop in front of him, Draco reaches his other hand up and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, “just because we’ve admitted our feelings doesn’t mean we have to put expectations on this just yet. Ginny was right when she said we are all broken. Haven’t you listened to even half the fucked up things I’ve told you I went through during the war? I am nowhere near over that,” running his thumb down her jawline Draco adds, “but when I am with you the fucked up bullshit doesn’t seem near as bad and it may be selfish but I really don’t want to give that up.”

 

Leaning into his hand that cupped her cheek for a moment, she looks at him from under her lashes, “Draco I like you and would like to get to know you more but I think we’ve talked enough for the moment, just kiss me again please.”

 

With a self-satisfied smirk, Draco leans down and captures her lips with his again.


	17. Chapter 17

Hermione gives a content sigh as she leans into Draco more. Sitting in the backyard and watching Harry and Ginny chase each other on their broomsticks, Hermione didn’t complain when Draco wrapped his arms around her waist and tugged her against his chest to relax. The two of them spent the last few days talking about how they felt towards each other and how long both of them had resisted the pull.

 

After that Hermione couldn’t try to blame it on the bond anymore. This started years before and had risen and fallen for both of them numerous times, but the feelings had always been there buried deep at times struggling to come to the surface.

 

Before he speaks, Hermione feels Draco tense slightly and she knows this is something he has been putting off saying because his shoulders always draw up slightly in that same way, “Hermione, we leave for school in three weeks, are you sure you don’t want to go back with us?”   
  
“What do you mean you leave for school in three weeks? When were we allowed to go back to school? You’re just NOW TELLING ME THIS?” Her voice steadily increasing during her tirade until she is shouting loud enough Ginny and Harry come down to investigate what is going on.

 

“Hermione you have heard us talking about going back a few times during meals,” Draco tries to say as calmly as possible.

 

“But I thought it was only Ginny going back, you and Harry never said anything about the two of you joining her.”

 

“Don’t you remember being there when we were told not too long after the battle that we could go back and finish our education since our seventh year was fucked for those who even went to school,” Harry tries to interject without sounding accusatory.

 

At this Hermione’s irritation subsides and her whole demeanor crumbles, “that must have been one of my blackouts. Right after the war they weren’t as often but still enough that I probably missed some important things. Is it too late to apply? Do you think they will still let me go back?”

 

The hope shining in her eyes was almost too much to bear, “all we can do is try and see what McGonagall says.”

 

With that said the group made their way inside to help Hermione compose a letter asking to be able to join them at school for their final year.

  
  


Ron hasn’t come back to the house since Hermione appeared in the kitchen that morning. He fire called Harry to inform him that he found a job and wouldn’t be returning to school with the rest of them and that he couldn’t believe they were trusting Hermione again.

 

No matter how much Harry and Ginny tried to explain what happened to Ron, he didn’t want to hear it.

 

“That girl is dangerous Harry, we should have realized it a long time ago. Too smart for her own good and too naive for those smarts. We could have gotten on without her Harry, I can’t believe you are giving her the chance to go all psycho and kill you all.”

 

So angry at his friend, Harry ended the call right then and there. That was when he noticed Hermione frozen in the door, obviously hearing enough of the depravity Ron was spewing.

 

“Does he really think I am capable of that?” She whispers, tears shining in her eye but determination keeping them from falling. 

 

“You know how dramatic he can be. He has convinced himself you were that bad so he doesn’t have to feel guilt at abandoning his friend when she needed him. You were never bad enough we feared for our lives,” Harry says while slowly making his way towards Hermione. Once he reaches her he puts an arm around her shoulders and guides her to a chair and begins bustling around the kitchen, “let me make us some tea.”

 

A few cups of tea with a dollop of firewhiskey in each later, Harry has Hermione out of her dejected mood that the overheard conversation had put her into. Or at least he thinks he does as they are laughing until she starts crying.

 

“Harry what am I doing? What did I do? How do I even think I can not only go back to school but have a relationship like a normal person,” looking into his eyes with desperation Hermione continues, “Harry I don’t deserve those things, not after paying for my actions for such a short time.”   
  
“Hermione you paid for everything the moment you asked us to forgive you and started telling us about the things you did. You are not only apologetic but deeply regretful of the path you chose to take and you’ve dealt yourself enough harm to last a lifetime. If anyone deserves a little bit of happiness it is you,” giving her hand a reassuring squeeze before he heads to the tap to get them both some water. 

 

Draco walks in, sees Hermione’s tear stained face and Harry’s slightly guilty look and immediately rounds on Harry, “what did you do to make her cry?”

 

Letting a small giggle escape at the feeling of having Draco so quick to jump to her defense Hermione is the one to answer, “it wasn’t Harry, I overheard Ron talking to Harry and it upset me and then I made the mistake of letting Harry get me tipsy when I knew better. I always get emotional with alcohol.”   
  
“Fuck Potter you got her drunk?”   
  
“Hey now let's not go back to surnames here Malfoy, and I didn’t get her drunk, I was trying to calm her down and when I went to put some in my tea asked if she wanted some as well.”   
  
Turning to Hermione and taking one of her hands in his, Draco says, “how about we get you some fresh air?”   
  
“Oh but I was coming to wait for Hedwig to hopefully get back from the school today, that’s the whole reason I came down here in the first place,” Hermione replies with a small pout.

 

Chuckling Draco replies as he tugs her up from the chair, “Hedwig is a smart owl, I am sure she will find you when she gets back.”

 

And out the back door they go, Draco not stopping until they are under their favorite willow tree where he promptly drops down and pulls Hermione into his lap so he can wrap his arms around her, resting his cheek on the top of her head he takes a deep breath, inhaling Hermione’s scent and letting out a sigh of contentment. 

 

After a moment she relaxes against him, shifting slightly only to get more comfortable and intertwine her fingers with his.

 

After a few moments of silence, Hermione breaks it asking, “if I go back to school what are we going to do about this?”

 

“What do you mean?” He asks tensing slightly, “I thought we would continue us no matter what happened.”

 

Turning her around so he could look in her eyes so that she may know exactly how genuine his words are, “Hermione you make me feel more alive than I have in years. Talking with you is always enlightening, and I have nothing to hide about my relationship with you.”

 

She had obviously been chewing on this for a while because she shot back with, “ok, but what about your friends?”   
  
“What friends? Hermione the only friends I have are you, Ginny, Harry, and Theo. I haven’t seen him since I moved in here. He had his own demons to cast out after the war and the reminder we were to each other was almost too much to bear. We write regularly though. He has been my best friend since I was crawling so he knows everything about you already. Everyone else cut me off and I am better off without them anyway.”

 

“But you will have to stay in a dorm with the other Sly-,”

 

Draco but off that train of thought, “actually they are doing something quite different with the eighth years. All houses of 8th years will be staying together, there are so few of us coming back that most would be the only one sleeping in their dorm so the eighth year girls will bunk together and the eighth year guys will bunk together.”

 

Putting a finger to her lips to cut off her thoughts one final time Draco adds to all that, “and even if it wasn’t going to be that way, Hermione I lo---like you a lot and no one will keep me away from you again, not even myself.”

 

With a dazzling smile, Hermione leans in to give him a peck on the lips, “I don’t know what exactly I did to deserve someone to take care of me like you do but I will do my best not to question it.”

 

Content just being near each other, Hermione rests her head on Draco’s shoulder as he begins to hum the familiar tune that ends up putting them both to sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

Hermione awakens to a slight pecking feeling on her kee. She tries to shoo away whatever is there and gets a quick nip to her thumb. Jolting awake she realizes it is Hedwig, quite miffed at her for being swat at.

 

Realizing there is a letter attached to her leg Hermione quickly scrambles off Draco’s lap to untie it. With an indignant hoot Hedwig shakes out her wings at Hermione and flies back towards the house and her perch where she will sulk until Hermione comes by and apologizes. Before she can worry about that, there is a letter from Headmaster McGonagall sitting in her hands.

 

“Well aren’t you going to open it?” Draco asks scaring the shit out of Hermione in the process.

 

“Fuck, I didn’t know you were awake, you can’t scare the shit out of someone like that.”   
  
“Well it is hard to sleep through getting elbowed in the stomach you know,” Draco chuckled at Hermione’s shock filled eyes as she sputtered apologies.

 

“Alright then, enough procrastinating, open that up.” He prompted giving her shoulder a nudge.

 

With trembling hands Hermione carefully breaks the seal and lifts the pieces of parchment from the envelope. As Draco reads the letter over his shoulder he can’t help the huge smile that blooms. It only falters when he sees the fat teardrops that start to mar the page.

 

“Hermione what’s wrong? It says you can go back why are you upset?”   
  
The concern in his voice makes her cry that much more as she buries her face into his shoulder. Her answer is muffled but he can still make it out, “I wasn’t supposed to get all this back. I thought my destiny was something completely different,” trying to pull herself together she sits back up and looks him in the eye, “I am getting everything I have ever wanted but thought I was never meant to deserve for so long. I’m only upset for giving up on myself and not fighting back sooner. This,” she says shaking the letter in his face, “the only thing that makes me happier than this, is this,” and with that she wraps her arms around Draco’s neck and kisses him with a passion he hadn’t felt from her before.

 

It is a few minutes before they untangle themselves from each other, both panting heavily yet knowing she isn’t ready for anymore yet. Draco stands and pulls Hermione to her feet next to him when she takes his offered hand, “let’s go tell the others you get to go back to school with us.”

 

“Ugh, I just realized. With only two weeks left before the beginning of term Diagon Alley is going to be a nightmare and I have absolutely nothing for school,” Hermione moans quickly getting back to her old self when it comes to school and fretting immediately about not being prepared enough since she won't be able to read all their new textbooks before they return.

 

Draco can’t help but chuckle and think to himself,  _ some things never will change but then again, I fell in love with the bookworm so I wouldn’t want to change anything about her. _ Stopping in his tracks he rewinds that last thought. Thankfully they were already back in the kitchen and Hermione didn’t pay attention to his abrupt halt as she scurried to Harry and Ginny who were working on making dinner.  _ It’s too early to say love you dolt, why did you even think that word,  _ Draco is internally freaking out because he has no idea what to do with the knowledge that he is in love with Hermione Granger because now that he has thought it there is no denying the truth to himself. 

 

Shaking his head, trying his best to leave that to the back of his mind, a worry for another day, Draco plasters a smile on his face and tries to join in on the joy coming from the three across the kitchen from him. He thinks he does a really good job of it until Ginny gives him a knowing look. Fuck.

 

***

 

The four of them are in Diagon Alley. Admittedly they should have thought this through a lot better, this being Hermione’s first foray out of the house since her attempt. Everyone can see the nerves, plain as day, on their friend but she won’t admit to them. Draco makes sure to stick right to her side, staying near her wand arm because he keeps getting twitchy anytime a loud noise happens, which is often enough due to the amount of children running around the street.   
  
“We weren’t loud little shits like this were we?” Harry asks as two children go tearing past them obviously overly excited about the ice cream they are getting as the group watches them bound inside Florean Fortescue’s, reopened in his memory during the rebuilding of Diagon Alley.

 

“How about we make this trip a little faster, we will split the list and get enough for 4 people of everything we go in for. Harry and I will take the apothecary and get all our potions ingredients and we will stop in and stock up on parchment, ink, and quills, while the two of you go to Flourish and Blotts to get our school books?” Ginny suggests thinking of how they can get Hermione out of the packed street ask quickly as possible.

 

Everyone quickly agreed and went their separate ways. As soon as Hermione stepped foot into the store the smell of old and new books filled her lungs and relaxed her more than she realized she needed. Chuckling at her pause in the doorway, Draco tugs on her hand to take her down the aisle they will find the new transfiguration book in. Keeping care to get the different books everyone needed for their separate classes while also grabbing four copies for the classes they all signed up for, it didn’t take long for them to finish their list.

 

Carrying their haul to the counter to pay, they are stopped by a familiar pug nose, “sullying yourself with the lessers huh Drakey?” The unwelcome voice singsonged annoyingly.

 

“I don’t know what you are referring to Pansy, now if you will get out of my way I have purchases to make,” the indifferent mask easily slides back over Draco’s face for the first time in weeks and Hermione hates watching it happen even if it wasn’t her he was closing himself off to.

 

Sniffing irritatedly at being dismissed already she spits over her shoulder as they pass by her, “just remember, no one who means anything will want to touch you after knowing you were galavanting with the likes of her.”

 

Seeing the tears filling Hermione’s eyes at Pansy’s callous words incenses Draco more than if she would have punched him and he rounds on her speaking low enough so the whole store doesn’t over hear but with enough venom to scare a rattlesnake, “if I ever hear of you speaking of Hermione in any way similar to that again, better yet, unless it is nothing but praises, if I ever hear of you speaking of Hermione again you will regret it, and don’t forget Pansy, I know how to make good on my promises.”

 

Dismissing her for the final time, Draco nudges Hermione back to the cashier so they can pay for their books and leave.

 

Stepping outside the shop, Draco places their packages on the ground at his feet and bundles Hermione into his arms, “shh, it’s ok. She is a bitch who thinks everyone is beneath her. I am so sorry you had to listen to that filth.”   
  
“You stood up for me,” she hiccoughed through her tears.

 

Shocked Draco held her at arms length so he could look at her, “did I not tell you no one will keep me away from you? That includes standing up for you and not taking any shit about our relationship. Hermione I want to be with you regardless of what anyone thinks, especially those from my past who I should have never given any influence on my life at all.”

 

Wiping away her remaining tears with his thumbs, he kissed her lightly, with a scared sort of adoration in his eyes he opens his mouth to say something but he is interrupted by Ginny bounding up, “oh shit Hermione, what’s wrong? Do I need to go hex someone for you? Is it too overwhelming?”   
  
Letting out a shaky laugh at her friends exuberant concern, Hermione turns towards her friend and shakes her head, “just a bit overwhelmed is all but I’m ok now to finish, almost done anyway.

 

***

 

Draped across Draco’s chest as he runs his fingers through her hair as they lie on the bed, Hermione tries to find a way to voice the question that has been circling her mind since they left Diagon Alley that afternoon. She kept quiet while they put their purchases away in their respective trunks. She didn’t say anything over dinner. But lying here content with a feeling of peace surrounding her, she has to voice the one thing interrupting that peace, “what were you going to say when we were outside Flourish and Blotts?”

 

Feeling his whole body tense, Hermione scrambles to sit up half afraid of what she will see on his face when she does. Once she gets to her knees, she lifts her eyes to his face and again sees that scared adoration before it flits away, clearing his throat he mumbles, “nothing, it's too soon anyways,” and tries to pull her back down to their previous positions.

 

But Hermione was determined, “Draco please, it’s something I haven’t quit thinking about since we got home. Whatever it is I promise it won’t scare me away. With everything we have talked about and all we have already gone over, how can something you tell me scare me away?”

 

Taking a deep breath and sitting up alongside her, Draco threads his hands into her hair and stares into her eyes like he is searching for something, a hesitant smile spreads across his face, “Hermione, I can’t tell you when exactly it happened because somehow it feels like part of me always has, but I love you.”

 

The shock in Hermione’s face was unmistakable and the flash of pain in Draco’s eyes was there only a moment before he hid it away but it was long enough for her to see it. As he tried to pull away she grabbed one if his hands in both of hers and held it to her cheek nuzzling into it, “Draco I love you too, I was afraid of how you would react if I said it. That’s why I was shocked-”

 

That was the last thing she could say before his lips met hers in the sweetest kiss she could remember them sharing. It was like bit by bit, they sunk into each other, starting at their lips and ending in their souls.

 

“Thank you,” again, she couldn’t keep the shock off her face at his words as soon as their lips parted, leaning his forehead against hers he elaborated, “thank you for all the hell you put me through in our younger years, thank you for holding me accountable even when I didn’t, thank you for helping me realize broken people deserve help too, and most of all, thank you for loving me and giving me the chance to love you.”

 

Rubbing his tears away with her thumbs as he often does for her Hermione replies, “I can never thank you enough for the things you have done for me, thank you for showing me broken people still deserve love.”

 

Exhausted from their confessions and the events of the day, they both curl back up on Hermione’s bed and quickly fall asleep.

 

***

 

The final week of summer vacation flew by for the four friends. Before they all knew it they were dragging their heavy trunks into King’s Cross station. Harry, Ginny, and Draco had made sure to get Hermione out of the house more before the beginning of the school year. They had all noticed while out in Diagon Alley that she had developed some social anxiety and they wanted to slowly introduce her back into the larger hustle and bustle when she still had a chance to escape before she was stuck in it for a whole school year.

 

She was much calmer as they walked through the train station than the others thought she would be. It wasn’t until they got closer to the platform between nine and ten. Fidgeting a bit with the sleeves of her jumper she slowed down the closer they all got as well. 

 

Tugging Hermione close to him, Draco whispers into her ear, “don’t you worry, I will be by your side the entire time. If anyone says the wrong thing I have no qualms about hexing them into next year.”

 

His words having the intended effect made Hermione giggle and release some of the tension she was holding. Taking a deep breath she smiles up at him, “I wasn’t even this nervous for my very first day,” she admits readily.

 

“I think we were all nervous our first day but I do agree, this is different.”

 

“Oh come on you two, quit being worrywarts. This year is going to be brilliant because we are going to make it that way. Now I get to graduate with some of my favorite people,” Ginny’s excitement slightly infectious as Hermione starts giggling along with her.

 

Pushing through the barrier like always almost feels like going home. The slightly organized chaos that is Platform Nine and Three Quarters, so familiar to the two pairs they can’t help but smile fondly yet sadly that this will be their last year coming back.

 

Finding a compartment to themselves is easy since they arrived fairly early and almost no one has boarded the train yet. Ginny had already said goodbye to her parents before they left for the station so there was no one else for them to wait in the station for.

 

Leaning against Draco and opening her favorite book, Hermione settles in for one last, long, familiar ride. The trepidation she has for the upcoming year hasn’t fully dissipated but her excitement is starting to outweigh it, and her contentment with the people she is surrounded by are helping keep her grounded. 

 

As the train starts its trek out of King’s Cross station to Hogsmeade station and by proxy Hogwarts, Hermione lets the sway of their compartment and the warmth of Draco lull her into sleep with a small smile on her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for slugging through my first multi-chapter fic with me. I hope it at least met your expectations as I tried to put myself outside of my comfort zone for this while also writing from some personal experience.


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